Pete Handelman Sports Shorts

Moneyball - then and now.

2012-02-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

Last night I was at Los Angeles County Museum of Art, where Oakland GM Billy Beane took the stage with Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill to discuss 'Moneyball'.

Billy Beane, Brad Pitt, Jonah Hill. Photo: Pete Handelman

Based on the mesmerizing book by Michael Lewis, Moneyball is the term used to describe rigorous statistical analysis to find undervalued players. For several years, Oakland was able to field competitive, playoff-bound teams with a minimal budget.

But after the book was released, other teams, such as the Red Sox, Diamondbacks, Yankees and Padres began to use the same tactics, employing teams of statisticians to number crunch for cheap talent.

The last year Oakland was competitive was 2006. Teams got wise to Beane's approach, and no longer allowed themselves to be fleeced in trades.

It can be argued that the new Moneyball is youth, achieved by building a solid minor league system through scouting. Finding young, affordable players before they are eligible for max contracts is new trend.

Older players, who used to prolong their careers and pad their stats with steroids and PED's, can no longer do so under new testing rules. So, younger, athletic players are more trusted and desired.

Tampa Bay, with a collective team salary that averages around 40 million, best represents this tactic. For the last 4 years Tampa has matched up with the Yankees, whose collective team salary hovers around 180 million. Remarkably, the Rays have finished in first place in 2008 and 2010, and second place in 2009 and 2011.

The Rays farm system has rolled out a steady stream of incredible talent, while other teams take a risk on aging players from the free agent market.

The cost-conscious Minnesota Twins seemingly have a different approach - emphasizing hustle and clubhouse chemistry. Minnesota tends to hire dugout friendly players who run out every grounder and dive for every ball.

If a player lags, he sits, and the next all-effort guy gets his turn. They are like the Utah Jazz of baseball. No prima donnas allowed.

Billy Beane deserves credit for his success. But that success came long ago. It is time to heap some praise on Tampa, Texas, Cincinnati and Colorado for mining homegrown talent. Even the Yankees and Red Sox, with their big payroll, have done a stellar job developing young players.

Today, teams are singing a new tune when it comes to Moneyball: 'The Kids Are Alright'.

Billy Beane with Brad Pitt. Photo: Pete Handelman

Sad sacks and backpacks: Looking back at the 2011 NBA Lockout.

2011-11-26T20:27:00.000-08:00

The lockout is over, and not a moment to soon. I don't know about you, but I was getting tired of watching a grim looking Derek Fisher flanked by adults wearing backpacks. Can someone explain this fashion trend to me? What's next, Lebron and Kobe touting lunch boxes? Dwight Howard in a Superman snuggie? Big Baby Davis in a diaper?

And take a look at Shannon Brown in shorts and a t-shirt. How was anyone supposed to take these guys seriously when they showed up to negotiations as if it was a pajama party? How about Baron Davis with the teal lumberjack flannel and beanie? Even veteran Paul Pierce is sporting a backpack. C'mon.

And what's inside these ubiquitous backpacks? A calculator and pencil to compensate for the bargaining ineptitude of NBA Union rep Billy Hunter? Perhaps some No-Doze, to prevent being lulled to sleep by the somber timber of commissioner David Stern's voice?

Take a look at Ray Allen. That's the way to dress, fellas. The NBA minimum salary for a ROOKIE is $473,604, and grows exponentially with experience. Please tell me these guys have a few hundred bucks in their piggy bank for a suit from Men's Warehouse.

And what about emaciated NBA Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver? He looks like the love child of Woody Allen and John Waters. Someone feed that man a burger. He makes Madison Avenue models look chubby and chipper.

The aforementioned Commissioner Stern is wearing thin with me. He's done so much for the league, but lately comes across like a grumpy rabbi. Would it kill the man to crack a smile once in a blue moon? This is a lockout, not the Nuremberg Trials.

The NBA used to be fun. Players of yesteryear had upbeat names like World B. Free and Happy Hairston. Today we have scowling malcontents and players without a pulse like Carmelo Anthony. The league feels like high school detention.

I have a suggestion for the players and NBA reps. Don't Worry, Be Happy. That song was released in 1988, the year the Pistons faced off against the Lakers in the Finals. The stars of those teams were guards Isaiah Thomas and Magic Johnson. Say what you will about them, but no-one had a broader smile. Take note, Carmelo.

Rocky Loves Adrian

2011-07-11T14:50:00.000-07:00

The pork pie hat. The one-handed push-ups. The raw egg smoothie.

When it comes to marble-mouthed entertainment, Rocky Balboa delivers the knockout punch.

It would stand to reason that Rocky, from the city of Brotherly Love, would be a Phillies fan.

But Rocky's endless love for Adrian means a switch in team loyalty.

Check out my newest video to find out the details.

2011 NBA Trade Deadline Recap

2011-02-26T14:33:00.000-08:00

The 2011 NBA Trade deadline ended with plenty of millionaires changing addresses.

Kendrick Perkins, who looks like he wants to run through you like like a bull, was dealt to the Thunder for some guy named Jeff Green. I guess Danny Ainge forgot to take his meds.

Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler and Raymond Felton are feeling the Rocky Mountain High as the exodus of Knicks now makes Denver the "New York Nuggets."

And drama queen Carmelo Anthony, who held the league hostage as he chose a team, was mercifully dealt to the Knicks. Yawn. Carmelo is a big bore on the personality meter. Nice offensive game, but a better nap inducer. Lunesta is literally tapping Carmelo's veins for byproducts.

And how did Chauncey Billups become the "Mike Lowell" of the Knicks' trade? Don't be surprised if Billups makes more of a mark than Sleepy Anthony.

Back to Danilo Gallinari. Say it out loud. Say it again. Doesn't that feel better? Danilo Gallinari... Danilo Gallinari. There, I feel better. How can you NOT love Danilo Gallinari? Say it with flair - Danilo Gallinari!

I like that someone finally didn't say NYET to swinging Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorof. He pulled off a steal of a deal, landing talented point guard Jason Williams.

Unfortunately for Williams, he is hereby known as "E" from Entourage, because of the big breakup with Sloan.

You just know that sometime after the trade, Prokhorov was slamming down top-shelf vodka with a few Moscow "models" as they slathered each other with Beluga caviar.

Jay-Z swung by with brandy and condoms. They burned 1,000 dollar bills. The Russian and the Rapper. Bringing basketball to Brooklyn.

Super Bowl XLV Recap

2011-02-07T07:56:00.000-08:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE

Yesterday I read a pre-game headline that said: "The Steel Curtain attempts to slam down Packer dreams"

Was this an article about the far right rejecting gay marriage?

No, it's the Super Bowl - Steelers vs. Packers!

By the way, Super Bowl "XLV" represents Roman numerals, not the average lineman's jersey size.

I'm guessing less than 5% of the public understands Roman numerals, and that includes myself.

Look, I rarely watch football. So if I want to see a tight end in motion all afternoon, I'll watch a Jessica Biel flick, not the NFL.

But the Super Bowl is an opportunity to justify eating an abundance of industrial nacho cheese sauce and getting hammered before supper.

During the pre-game show, it looked like the players wanted to rip the head off of 'Glee' cast member Lea Michele.

Can you imagine the reaction in fly-by states if FOX brought out Chris Colfer in drag to do a flamboyant version of the national anthem?

That honor was given to Christina Aguilera, who somehow managed to intersperse lyrics from 'Genie In A Bottle" into the song.

At the coin toss, I mistook Deion Sanders, resplendent in a loud tie and dress shirt, for my Rabbi playfully flipping some Hanukkah Gelt.

As for the players, Ben Roethlisberger is adept at a clever pass - more often than not with college girls, as opposed to the pigskin.

And Troy Polamalu can be a disturbing sight - because from the back, his hair makes him look like Jennifer Beals in 'Flashdance'.

When the game ended, seventeen days later, I had a full beard. I never needed a bottle of Pepto Bismol more. And the sight and sound of uber-serious Howie Long made me want to rip my own head off.

If Athletes got Oscars: Best Picture Awards in Sports

2011-01-29T00:36:00.000-08:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences recently announced the Best Picture Nominations for 2010. The ten films chosen are appropriate titles for the personality and temperament of many of today's athletes, so lets take a look at the nominees.

True Grit: No-one plays the game with more passion than Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia. Despite his size, Pedroia plays the game with True Grit everyday. And like the film's star, the diminutive Pedroia looks like a 14 year old - and both are fearless.

Black Swan: Shaquille O'Neal. Chasing after loose balls, Shaq is taking swan dives into the front row with increasing regularity. And like Natalie Portman, his role is in jeopardy, as another O'Neal - Jermaine - waits in the wings. When Shaq rebounds he is the White Swan. But when he tumbles all over the floor and makes unnecessary fouls, he is the Black Swan.

The Fighter: Milton Bradley, who was arrested last week for threatening a woman, has a long history of antagonistic behavior, once challenging fans to fight him at Dodger Stadium. It wouldn't surprise me to find Bradley holed up in a crack house like the character played by Christian Bale.

The King's Speech: Lebron James, known as King James, held a notorious press conference this summer. The sports world had anxiously awaited the King's speech for months. When announcing he would sign with the Miami Heat, King James declared "I'm taking my talents to South Beach", which has become one of sports' more memorable soliloquies.

127 Hours: This is the amount of time it will take before the Pittsburgh Pirates are totally out of contention. They have a high mountain to climb before they improve, and most fans would give their left arm for a superstar to cut them loose. As a small market team with little salary flexibility, the team lies between a rock and a hard place.

Inception: Bonus Baby Bryce Harper, the Washington Nationals' top draft pick, waits excitedly - along with all baseball fans - for his Inception to Major League Baseball. But Washington management says they will start Harper in the lowly 'single A' minor league team - stealing his dreams.

Social Network: The NBA. From LeBron's tweets to VH1's 'NBA wives', there is a world of jealousy, greed and failed friendships in the Social Network of the NBA. There was a time when a player's status could be found in the sports pages. Now we read it on the Facebook wall.

The Kids Are All Right: Like the protagonists in the movie, the Warriors hail from the Golden State. And they also need a donor to save their NBA lifeline. They are the youngest team in the league, but with rising star Monta Ellis, the kids are all right.

Toy Story 3: Childish Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban always had a fondness for toys, installing dvd players and other gadgets in the players' locker room stalls. This year the Mavs are giving away bobblehead toys at ELEVEN different games. And their team is held down by an aging Kidd. The Mavericks Toy Story is ready to break at any moment, just like Woody.

Winters Bone: Quarterback Brett Favre made news this winter when a New York Jets cheerleader accused him of sending her a photo of his, um, "second and nine". Many fans responded to Favre with a cold, chilly reception. So when Favre watches the upcoming Super Bowl, he will regret his Winters Bone.

And now the envelope, please. The final votes have been cast, and the winner is... LeBron James, who overcame the issues with his speech, and won over his minions.

Return of The Idiots: Tampa's Devils

2011-01-24T12:49:00.000-08:00

This winter, the Boston Red Sox signed Tampa Bay Rays free agents Carl Crawford and Dan Wheeler. So it's fitting that Tampa turned around and signed former Red Sox stalwarts Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez.

While the Rays' collective batting average may rise, their collective IQ just dropped.

To assimilate with their new star teammates, Tampa players have been asked to read 'Idiots For Dummies'.

GPS location trackers have already been installed in Manny's jersey, should he wander during the game to play with the outfield stingray tank.

Interestingly, Damon has attendance incentives built into his contract. The less people he scares away with his batting average, the more he is paid.

Damon is adept at making contact, but his throwing arm leaves a lot to be desired. The Rays will be lucky if a Damon lob actually goes FORWARD.

As for Ramirez, now that the league has stricter guidelines for PED's, Manny can get his energy boost from a limitless supply of Tropicana orange juice.

But Ramirez could be a real mentor to younger players. His skills include how to fake a hamstring injury, and managing unruly cornrows.

Meanwhile, Joe Maddon had better subscribe to 976-WAKE, because getting these guys out of bed might prove to be a more difficult chore than winning the division.

Jilted Dodger fans have described Manny Ramirez as evil. And Johnny Damon, nicknamed Jesus by Sox fans, became known as Satan when he departed to play for the Yankees.

Manny and Johnny - putting the DEVIL back in Tampa's Devil Rays.

NBA All-Food Team

2011-01-19T09:42:00.000-08:00

CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE:

I have an insatiable appetite for the NBA. The league has a full plate of tasty players that leaves you hungry for more. Here's the dish:

The Boston Celtics employ Von Wafer. A sweet Wafer is always welcome at a Boston tea party. Otherwise you'll choke. Just ask the Lakers; they saw it happen to Boston in the Finals firsthand.

New Jersey Nets' swing man Steven Graham averages only 3.9 points per game, making fans want S'more scoring from him. Further proof the Nets need Marsh 'Melo.

The Knicks have spiced things up considerably this year, and have the ability to stir the pot with a dash of Curry. Eddy Curry, that is.

Good Fisherman have a way with a timely sinking of the net, as does Laker guard Derek Fisher.

Bulls guard John Salmons would make a good back court tandem with Derek Fisher.

Fisher is known for the 3, and Salmons are known for Omega 3.

Thirsty for more? The Bulls big man Carlos Boozer averages 10.3 rebounds a a game, the same figure as his blood alcohol level. He should avoid mixing it up with a Brewer - whether its Cory or Ronnie. Remember liquor before beer, never fear.

Many health conscious Americans are avoiding pork and eating vegetables instead. Ham is out, and Greens are in.

Sure enough, Darvin Ham is no longer an active player. But Willie Green and Dante Green are new lunch pail favorites.

The Suns and Clippers employ Channing Frye and Brian Cook. And no fast food establishment could function without a Fry Cook.

Most confusing is OJ Mayo. Mayo has skills, and most defenders want no part of OJ Mayo. Then again, if you're lactose intolerant and have acid reflux, you want no part of OJ Mayo either.

The Nuggets are the tastiest sounding team in the league. And for good reason. They are powered by smooth, sweet play of Carmelo.

There you have it - NBA food for thought. One warning: with such a mouth watering menu, make sure to avoid a double dribble.

Cold makes things expand; Heat makes things contract.

2011-01-13T18:19:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, Lebron James took a swipe at the Nets and Timberwolves, implying contraction of a few NBA teams would help the league.

Nets coach Avery Johnson responded "Maybe the league would be better if we didn't have three stars on one team." Touche!

This is scientifically correct - as cold make things expand and the (Miami) Heat makes things contract.

James backpedaled, claiming he didn't know what the word "contraction" meant. This makes me think that LeBron should avoid taking his talents to Jeopardy.

This week, the Lakers decimated the Cavaliers, James' former team. Shortly thereafter, LeBron tweeted "Karma is a b****"

And the next day, James backpedaled again, claiming he meant no ill-will, and that the tweet was written by a friend.

Time for LeBron to fire his ghost writer!

He didn't mean this, he didn't mean that. When the Heat played the Cavs last month, I'll bet LeBron meant to avoid talking smack to his former teammates on the bench during a timeout. But a higher power made his lips move.

James also meant to sign with the Knicks. He meant to donate money to charity, but forgot. He meant to play better against the Clippers last night.

In 2009 I had nothing but love for Bron-Bron but James has quickly become the league villain. We are all witnesses, indeed. Witnesses of a chump with a big mouth.

Matt Garza: baseball's compulsive spitter.

2011-01-09T15:51:00.000-08:00

The Chicago Cubs dealt five prospects to the Tampa Bay Rays this week for pitcher Matt Garza, one of the more prolific spitters in the history of the game.

If you've ever watched Garza pitch, it can be as nauseating as the sight of Joe Maddon's pot belly in an Under Armour shirt.

Sometimes it appears as if Garza is attempting to create a moat between himself and the batters box. This is an effective way to make a hitter think twice about charging the mound, lest they drown in an ocean of Copenhagen.

Forget a rosin bag on the mound. Garza needs a spittoon. Or an industrial-sized garbage can.

Note the photo of Garza. His beard appears to be stiff and starchy from dried up saliva, and there's a morsel of chicken salad on his lower lip.

The Rays acquired 5 prospects in the deal, but can now relieve a half-dozen field maintenance workers whose job it was to sanitize the playing field.

Garza gives me the creeps. He always looks sickly to me; and skittish, as if he's amped up on Red Bull, coffee and a case of Four Loko.

I'd like to see a cage-match between Garza and temperamental teammate Carlos Zambrano. It would make Ali-Frazier look like a catfight.

The Big Geriatric

2011-01-02T09:03:00.000-08:00

While I enjoy photoshopping images for comic effect on Sports Shorts, the above photo of Celtics center Shaquille O'Neal has not been manipulated.

But a closer look at this photo is unintentionally funny and very telling. First, the aging Shaq is dependent upon a walking cane. Now 38, and oft-injured, the stick appears to buckle beneath his massive heft.

Now look at the basketball in the upper left corner. The weight of the ball is heavy on his shoulders, symbolic of his inability to carry a team.

Finally, look at how Shaq has set a brutal pick on the Celtics' lucky leprechaun. Ever since his arrival in Boston, Shaq has been injured, spreading bad luck to fellow teammates.

Jermaine O'Neal, Delonte West, Rajon Rondo, and now Kevin Garnett have all been victimized by injures. Coincidence? I think not.

Shaquille O'Neal (The Big Aristotle), once a physical powerhouse in the NBA, has become 'The Big Geriatric'.

Major League Baseball 2010

2010-05-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

ESCAPE FROM PLANET OF THE APES

The unruly Phillies fan who was tasered by security while running around the outfield made for some interesting discussion this week about whether his treatment was warranted.

I advocate a more humane method of subduing drunk fans. Like casting a large net over them.

I'd like to see the Phoenix Suns' gorilla mascot in charge of such duties.

This sets up the possibility of an entangled fan defiantly resisting capture, shouting "Get your stinking hands off me, you damn, dirty ape!"

PIE

Baseball players love to smash a pie in the face of their teammates who were responsible for a heroic win.

But in recent years, the pie has all but disappeared, with players lumping a mound of shaving cream over a towel instead.

The end effect on the face is similar to a creamy meringue, but I'm not impressed. The look of a broken crust and pie tin plastered to someone's ear lobe is far more effective.

Can't these millionaires spring for a freaking pie, or just swipe one from the clubhouse spread?

WALKOFFS

Sports shows regularly celebrate the walk-off RBI as if it were something terribly unique. But after 9 innings, ANY run knocked in by the home team is a walk-off.

If a player wins the game with a Home Run in the 9th - now that is a legitimate walk-off.

But when a washed-up reserve finally ends everyone's misery with a bloop in the 16th inning, he should walk off feeling lucky.

Old Hoss was Boss

2010-03-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was contacted by a writer named Edward Achorn, who is promoting a fascinating new biography about one of baseball's hardest working hurlers, Charles "Old Hoss" Rassburn.

In 1884, Rassburn won 59 games, which is roughly the same amount of wins the Pirates have been averaging all season for the last decade.

That same year he pitched 678 innings. That makes Nolan Ryan look like a wimp. Rassburn is thought to be the first man photographed flipping the bird, and would have laughed at today's coddled pitchers and their pitch counts.

Rassburn, a feisty character known to drink whiskey daily, started 73 games in 1884 and finished them all. Which means he threw a complete game almost every other day. Apparently he suffered no ill effects from a hangover.

To top it off, he won all three games of baseball's first world series. And he dated a madame. Take that, Ty Cobb.

Achburn, the book's author, is a Pulitzer Prize finalist for Distinguished Commentary and an editor with the Providence Journal. The book is available on amazon, and more details are available at www.oldhoss.com

Gandalf Arenas vs. Gollum Stern

2010-01-08T00:03:00.000-08:00

CLICK to enlarge image:

In 1997 Abe Pollin changed the name of his Washington basketball franchise from The Bullets to The Wizards. Pollin believed "Bullets" had a negative connotation and sent the wrong message.

As new details emerge about handguns drawn in the locker room by Washington's Gilbert Arenas and Jarvis Crittenton, you have to believe Pollin is rolling in his grave.

But would Pollin see the eerie similarities between his beloved team and J.R. Tolkien's tales of wizardry?

Washington last won a title in 1978, as Wes Unseld and his teammates enjoyed a Fellowship of Rings.

And now, Gilbert Arenas sees himself as Gandalf, placing blame on Saruman Crittenton as Arenas leads the Wizards in a fight against evil.

Yesterday, NBA commissioner David Stern indefinitely suspended Gandalf Arenas, after the Wizard continued to make light of the situation.

This is unfair. Did Stern suspend Yao Ming and Sun Yue when they drew numb-chucks in summer league? No.

And where were the suspensions when Vinny Del Negro and Tom Gugliotta threatened each other with dead fish?

Where was the punishment when Jewish point guard Jordan Farmar waved a lit Hanukkah menorah at team-mate Lamar Odom?

I am outraged. Gandalf Arenas is merely protecting Middle Earth against Saruman Crittenton. Commissioner Stern, like Gollum, has oversized ears, and both twist words to their own advantage.

And it is high time that Pau Gasol, who like Frodo has a messy mane, comes to the rescue to settle this mess.

Gasol and Frodo both endured a long wait for an elusive ring, and Gasol must use his Pau-wers to ensure the Dark Lord David Stern's downfall.

After all, everyone always agreed that Arenas was a good shooter.

Tiger on the prowl

2009-12-07T01:06:00.000-08:00

Boy, now THAT was one expensive text message. Forget fifty-five cents. Tiger Woods' text to Rachael Uchitel may cost him fifty-five million.

This just in: Tiger also slept with Charo, Katie Couric and Salt and Pepa.

How did this guy ever find the time to actually play golf? Seems like the links were the only place Tiger managed to have a hole in one.

After crashing his SUV into a tree, Tiger was later allegedly snoring with his shoes off - which is what most people do when they watch golf on TV.

The milk-toast golf great has a hankering for cocktail waitresses. And this proves that, contrary to popular belief, Tiger is fully capable of shanking it into the next fairway.

This just in: Laverne, the UPS lady and Janet Reno have also admitted to appreciating Tiger's stroke.

Transgressions. Tiger said he made transgressions. So vague and nebulous. His publicists know how to candy coat a dirty dog.

I am excited for, in no particular order, Tiger on Barabra Walters, Oprah, Bryant Gumbel, and a match in which Vijay Singh kicks Tiger's 3-iron whooped behind.

This just in: a Jersey Hostess, four stewardesses and the Greyhound bus lady have also announced they sexed up Tiger Woods.

Cold-blooded on the links and in bed, Tiger is a frosted flake indeed.

ALSO: Tiger's Candy Bar

The Chosen One

2009-11-29T08:35:00.000-08:00

Prior to the season, Allan Iverson tweeted that "God chose Memphis as the place I will continue my career."

Actually Memphis was the only team interested, so the Grizzlies chose him. If God had a choice, he'd have Iverson carrying Rodney Stuckey's equipment bag back in Detroit.

That would be a little justice for the tank job AI pulled in the Motor City last season.

Iverson may think his game is divine, but his attitude is not. He continued to sulk in Memphis this season, unwilling to follow through with the sacrifices he promised to make.

Iverson was a spectacular player and a constant source of amusement. And he had, by far, the best cornrows the NBA has ever seen. Period.

But now, former coaches John Thompson and Larry Brown are jumping to the rescue, attempting to lure Iverson out of retirement as if he were some saint making a sinful premature exodus.

And lo, yesterday, the 76ers said they were interested. So, repent ye all, repent ye all, repent ye all, haters! Prepare for his resurrection!

The "We talkin' about practice" video: really gets funny around :50

Rose colored glasses

2009-09-29T00:22:00.000-07:00

I've always had a soft spot for Pete Rose, the The Hit King. Check my previous post about how Charlie Hustle bears a striking resemblance to aging disco star K.C. of the Sunshine Band.

When baseball's annual Hall of Fame discussion comes up, Rose is always in the middle of it, sticking his foot further and further down his mouth.

I loved Pete's relentless approach to the game, and head-first slides. But seeing him hawk autographs down the street from Hall of Fame ceremonies in Cooperstown is embarrassing.

Despite his desperate attempts to get back in the game, Rose will always be the star of one of baseball's best TV commercials. I hadn't seen this in thirty years but was still able to hum the words from verse one.

Whether he is hawking autographs or splashing on Aqua Velva, Rose is all wet.

Un-Retirement Party - You're Invited!

2009-08-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted a blog entry in a month. Well folks, I've decided to come out of retirement. I talked it over with the family and I decided it was the best thing for me and the team.

Is my 'coming out of retirement' announcement any more preposterous than those of Brett Favre, Roger Clemens or Michael Jordan? I think not.

Year after year, we're reminded by the media that every touchdown, every dunk, every tobacco loogie could be the player's last. A tearful press conference is held to say goodbye.

Until they return the next season with a media-hyped comeback. Can you imagine if 46 year-old Jamie Moyer pulled this crap every year?

I realize the NFL delights in media coverage not related to a gun charge, but the Favre charade was ridiculous.

Minute-by-minute helicopter coverage of Favre's every move? For an aging backup with a five o clock shadow in grimy cargo shorts? Spare me.

Let's face it. Athletes are babies. And for some of these guys, endorsements, strippers and multi-million dollar contracts aren't enough.

They also throw press conference birthday parties to stroke the ego. The publicity-starved team that makes the risky sign gets ink and tv coverage. And the media have a lead story. Everyone's happy.

But I wouldn't have returned unless I truly felt I had something left in the tank. I wanted to go out on a high note, and I felt this blog was a good fit.

I want to tell all my fans that I'll make sure to let you know if I hang it up for good. But I promise to talk it over with family if I come out of retirement. Again.

Checking in with the fans in Mannywood

2009-07-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

I had some amazing baseline box seats for sunday's oven bake of a game between the Astros and Dodgers.

Playing in that heat is not easy. Miguel Tejada aged another year and Joe Torre lost seven of his eighty-three remaining hairs.

It was 108 degrees on the field, so I made frequent trips to the air-conditioned all-you-can-eat Wolfgang Puck buffet that came with the tickets.

The shaved ham was great, but Wolfgang Puck belongs in an Austrian hockey arena.

But I talked to fans pre-game and mid-game, from top to bottom of Dodger Stadium - to bring you this video update from Mannywood.

2009 MLB All Star Game

2009-07-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

The 2009 All Star game felt like a three-hour commercial for its biggest corporate sponsors. I forget who won the game - the American League, or Budweiser?

One thing I know for sure is that Flomax got more coverage in the Home Run Contest than Brandon Inge, who failed to knock one out of the park.

Flomax is an appropriate product for Inge, who was embarrassed by his own dribblers.

Joe Buck, who raced through the introductions for both teams, managed to give extended intros to St. Louis players and natives as if they were royalty.

And color man Tim McCarver, an ex-Cardinal, was beaming like it was his first birthday party.

Cardinals fans booed the intro of pitcher Ted Lilly, who plays for the rival Chicago Cubs. Why?

Since 1908, the Cubs have yet to a win a title, yet the Cards have racked up 10 World Series trophies in that time. So maybe St. Louis needs to choose a "rival" that doesn't play like the Bad News Bears.

Kudos to Tampa Bay Rays outfielder Carl Crawford, the MVP of the game, who said that the spectacular catch he made was "definitely probably the best catch" he ever made.

I totally, sort of, definitely, maybe agree. For sure. Perhaps.

At one point I noticed my gardener playing first base and wearing a Padres uniform. Oh wait, that was Adrian Gonzalez.

And I'm still trying to figure out if the close-up of that bald dude in the stands is the guy from 'Fringe' or David Cone.

All in all, it was a quick, enjoyable game. Until the camera focused on the frightening face of Commissioner Bud Selig, who looks like a C grade CPA on decaf.

I'm going to watch the legends and celebrities game again on TiVo. Sadly, the 2009 All Star Game just didn't compare with Jenna Fischer's batting stance and home runs by Nelly and Andy Richter.

Manny & Joe Plus 24

2009-06-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez is making news again as he gets into playing shape in preparation for his return to baseball from a 50-game steroid suspension.

Ramirez tested positive for the female fertility drug known as Clovid. Which means Ramirez is one of the most feared hitters in the history of the game with a breast pump. Is that why it was such an issue for Manny to cut her beloved braids?

When the season began, everyone in the clubhouse must have wondered why Manny's locker was filled with onesies, diapers and pacifiers instead of cleats and a uniform.

But Manny's ability to distract team-mates by nursing them to sleep with warm milk and lullabies must have had something to do with their silence.

Never doubt a she-man on Clovid.

Listening to Joe Torre apologize for Manny's transgressions, giving preferential treatment to the favorite son, the Dodgers should have their own reality show called 'Manny & Joe plus 24'. Jon and Kate eat your heart out.

Manny's dysfunction in the Dodger family is just as absurd as the one in the TV show. One notable difference is that Manny is actually being welcomed back after the separation.

The Dodgers have been criticized for being young and brash. Which means that Torre, like Kate, needs to give his kids an occasional nap and burping.

But fortunately, when the Dodgers white pantsies suddenly get a brown stain, its usually from a stolen base, and doesn't necessitate a diaper change.

Meanwhile, Manny's suspension has given him time to think. He's angry and tired of the jokes. Hell has no wrath like a woman scorned.

Interestingly, the young Dodgers remained in first place during Ramirez's absence. So, Manny's hitting skills may have suffered, but his mothering skills improved.

Is that such a bad trade?

Baseball Managers - a weighty issue

2009-06-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

It used to be easy to pick the manager out in a dugout. He was the only one with white hair, an enormous belly and orthopedic sneakers instead of cleats.

Now Major league baseball is gradually shifting from older managers to younger ones, and the same trend is occurring with coaches in the NBA.

Many of the old school managers had a big boiler, something that reminded you what happened to a man whose daily diet consisted of fried chicken steak and beers from the clubhouse spread.

But back in the day, waistline equaled wisdom. Current Mariners manager Don Wakamatsu looks like a model from a Bowflex commercial. This is wrong. The presence of a pot belly in the dugout is part of baseball.

I enjoyed when managers made their way to the pitching mound, where the pot belly was on full display. To me, they always looked like an old man in a Halloween costume.

Tommy Lasorda, Don Zimmer, Lou Piniella and others would often unbutton the bottom two snaps of the warm up jacket in an attempt to mask the expanding waistline. This classic boiler-hiding method is still employed by managers and portly pitching coaches today.

Only a svelte skipper like Sparky Anderson could button that elastic lining around his hips and not look like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Joe Maddon, the Tampa Bay Rays manager, had an old-school beer belly going for awhile, but slimmed down. I was very disappointed. His horn rim glasses and big gut were a sight for sore eyes. Very 1968.

Other current managers, like Wakamatsu and Jim Tracy, look like they could run a marathon and have energy afterwards for a game of horse. These guys need to cut the aerobics and go back to whiskey and chewing tobacco.

No-one defies the mold like Washington Nationals skipper Manny Acta, who looks totally bad-ass, like an ultimate fighting champion or the head of a Colombian drug cartel.

Which reminds me, has anyone checked the outfield lining at RFK stadium for heroin? I'm just saying ... ya' never know.

Finally, a manager's trip to the pitchers mound, once an opportunity to fix a sandwich, is now a brisk one.

It used to be a test of a guy's hip replacement and pacemaker. But the new managers sprint. That leaves no time for fans to boo.

I wouldn't trust a manager without white hair or a beer belly. At the very least, they have to take Flomax. Or wear a pair of orthopedic sneaks.

New Nike NBA Playoff Puppets!

2009-06-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE
Forget Lebron and Kobe. I want to see NBA players as puppets in the rest of the league. We've been force fed King James and the Black Mamba all year, so its time to spread the wealth.

Spurs guard Tony Parker's smooth French accent and ability to romance Eva Longoria make him an ideal match for sassy skunk Pepe le Peu. And both share the distinction of having unpleasant post game body odor.

Pau Gasol, the Lakers' bearded beast, is a dead ringer for Popeye nemesis Bluto. Furthermore, the bulked up, pasta-eating Pau and Bluto both have a great fondness for Olive Oil.

Lamar Odom would play The Cookie Monster, allowing the Laker forward to continue his non-stop ingestion of sweets.

Orlando's Hedo Turkoglu would portray Snow White's 'Sleepy'. While Sleepy may not be capable of an alley-oop, he and Turkoglu both have a lovable mug and eyelids that are perpetually at half mast.

And Orlando Coach Stan Van Gundy would be Yosemite Sam. Both are short, have a big moustache and love to scream at full volume.

With his feather-like blond hair, Denver's Chris 'Bird-Man' Anderson gets the nod as Big Bird. Bird-Man and Big Bird may look like chickens, but both are courageous underdogs adored by millions.

And finally, gone but not forgotten, is Dennis Rodman, who bears a striking resemblance to Miss Piggy. Both have lovely, long red hair. And Rodman, like Miss Piggy, has an appetite that is seemingly never satisfied.

So lets see some puppetry variety from Nike. The current spots should be whistled for a violation. Especially since Lebron looks like Urkel and Kobe sounds like Redd Foxx.

Baseball's Ugliest Uniforms

2009-06-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE:

When it comes to uniforms, the Cubs, Tigers, Yankees, Cardinals and Red Sox come to mind as teams that have generally stuck with tradition, with few fashion miscues. The same cannot be said for the rest of baseball.

The Tampa Bay Rays early uniforms were appalling. They looked like wet-suits a dolphin trainer would wear at Sea World. Blame the Charlotte Hornets, who in the early 90's made teal a popular jersey color.

Greg Luzinski (bottom, right) was known as 'The Bull'. But no bull would be happy in a powder blue clown suit. Luzinski had to suffer the indignity of wearing two of baseball's worst uniforms - the aforementioned Phillies disaster and a White Sox polyester costume with stretch waist.

Notice how Astros spit-baller Don Sutton (bottom, left) feels right at home in his synthetic, stretch-waist slacks. The Astros uni features horizontal rows of loud, colored bars, the baseball equivalent of the Denver Nuggets' striped travesty. (top)

Rollie Fingers and Dave Winfeld also pull off the double-buttoned stretch waist look with great aplomb. It clearly allows extra flexibility for their long, lanky limbs.

The Padres, once owned by the McDonald's kingpin Ray Kroc, used to roll out unis (top, left) that looked like they were hand-me-downs from a Golden Arches deep fryer. Come to think of it the HamBurglar blouse could pass for a ref's jersey in the NBA.

To honor their local military, the San Diego Padres occasionally wear camouflage unis. This always seemed strange for a team that, when it comes to offense, is incapable of breaking out the artillery.

But the Pads didn't stop there. They got punch drunk with couture, and a few years ago introduced what I consider to be the most hideous uniform color of all time - an algae champagne ensemble that has a kryptonite effect on me. (center)

Indescribably awful, it can only be a secret attempt by the Padres to nauseate their opponents. I would prefer anything else, even the Bill Veeck-era White Sox line that featured the open pimp collar pullover jersey with black shorts.

Honorable mention goes to the Oakland A's (top, right) green and yellow ensembles under Charley Finley, and the Blue Jays (bottom, center), who somehow won a World Series wearing a turquoise Pret a Portez monstrosity.

Read my post about NBA fashion.

2009 NBA Playoff fashion

2009-05-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

Would it kill Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy to wear a tie? I realize the boiler is expanding, and he's looking for comfort, but there's no excuse for a coach donning a mock turtleneck during the conference finals. Four words for Van Gundy: Ross Dress For Less.

George Karl's press conference sweatshirt vests make him look like a tourist at Disneyland. Doc Rivers fields questions with a loose tie and unbuttoned collar, but he stays classy in a suit. Karl looks like he hit the discount rack at Marshall's wearing a blindfold.

Glen 'Big Baby' Davis might want to look into some Celtic suspenders after his shorts fell off during a game. I love to get my hands all over tender baby back ribs, but not that kind.

Whining was en vogue during the playoffs, perfected by Boston's Eddie House. Speaking of Eddie House, was a he a baller on the inside? Did he do hard time in the pen? Because his tats make him look like an ex-con from the big house.

Ditto for Nuggets guard J.R. Smith, whose ink also makes him look like an inmate. Same for Cleveland Cavalier Mo Williams, who looks stylin' with wisdom written on his chest in a prison font.

The neck tattoo, usually associated with jailbirds, is huge in the NBA. It first appeared on tattoo trail blazer Allan Iverson, but is now all the rage throughout the league, from Trevor Ariza to Kenyon Martin to Delonte West, who gives hilarious insight to his stylin' ways in this video.

Headbands are back, and I'm not sure what Rolando Balkman, Anderson Varejao and Pau Gasol would do without them. How do you concentrate on lightning-quick passes with a mop on your head?

The Rip Hamilton "Phantom of The Opera" face mask made an appearance on Orlando guard Courtney Lee. And mouth-guards, usually a hideous two-tone, have thankfully trended toward opaque.

Finally, what's with players' shoes falling off? How on earth does this happen? Are guys willing to sacrifice safety and practicality just so they can bust shoelaces like Run DMC?

Velcro anyone? Can we bring back Dee Brown's 'The Pump'? There are many foolish fashion faux pas, but hobbling backwards on one foot to retrieve a sneaker takes the cake.

Read my post about baseball's ugliest uniforms.

Stars' Candy Bars - Part 2

2009-05-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE:

A few weeks ago I discussed baseball player candy bars. Time to take a look at a few more sweets named after athletes. These are real candy bars I found online.

Let's start with the Chipper Jones bar, which leaves many questions unanswered. Why the rip-off of the 3 Musketeers graphics? That larceny, along with the photoshop nightmare on Chipper's cap are immediate tip-offs that something has gone horribly wrong here.

And why didn't Chipper endorse a potato chip, or a wood chipper? If it had to be a candy bar, then surely this bar would have lots of chocolate CHIPS, right?

Uh, no. The wrapper says 'milk chocolate and crisped rice'. Now that, my friends, sounds like a candy bar for Tiger Woods. Sorry, I had to say it.

Dale Earnhardt Jr's Big Mo bar looks like a laxative. I'd eat it only if it were the last candy bar on earth.

Does it cause a Big (bowel) MOvement? I don't get it. What the fuck is a 'Big Mo'?

The wrapper promises caramel. But in the photo there is no evidence of any caramel in those flaky relics they call chocolate.

Big Mo. Yeah, Dale Earnhardt is a Big Moron.

The Mark Price Bar. Is there any athlete more boring and less deserving of a candy bar than Mark Price? I mean, seriously. What's next? The Chris Dudley bar? Flip Saunders cologne?

But surely the wrapper shows Price at his best, nailing a free throw, or making a spectacular pass?

No. It's Price and his helmet hair, holding the ball in a confused haze. He's wondering why one of his team-mates didn't get a bar named after them instead. Honestly, they would have tripled their sales with the Brad Ehlo bar.

The real head scratcher is why no candy bar was ever named after veteran point guard Jason Williams. Williams, who has unusual style for a white guy, is widely known as 'White Chocolate'.

A candy bar match made in heaven. But the tattooed, turnover-prone White Chocolate gave teams headaches like a bad root canal. Which shows that even if your passes are sweet, turnovers can cause a cavity in the offense.

The most galling detail about all of these candy bars? The dollar price tag on the Chipper Bar. Even tried and true candy bars still cost under a buck. But Chipper Jones, who makes 14 million annually through 2011, somehow has to charge more.

After all is said and done, no-one can hold a candle to old standby Bazooka Joe. He's the only candy found in every team's clubhouse and dugout, and he gets blown multiple times every game. That explains his crooked ball cap and salivating smile.

Peaved at Peavy

2009-05-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE:

Today Jake Peavy rejected a proposed trade to the Chicago White Sox. Big surprise. We've been through this song and dance several times through the years.

I've written before about the absurd amount of media coverage this guy gets. You'd think Peavy was the second coming of Bob Feller.

Why is the world so hung up on the future of Jake Peavy? He pitches in the National league West, the beer league division of baseball.

And why is Peavy so picky? What does he want, a red carpet welcome with klieg lites? Beluga caviar and truffles in the clubhouse spread?

Is he holding out for the private jet package that Sheriff Malone gave Kevin Brown? Does he want the trainer, masseuse and fresh seafood deal that Theo Epstein granted Deisuke Matsuzaka?

Some team is going to snap their spine bending over backwards for this guy. And sportswriters will be tongue-tied when the deal finally goes down. What is there to talk about other than Jake Peavy?

Why don't the Padres brass obtain a list from Peavy of the teams to which he would accept a trade? Is that so insane?

Then we wouldn't all have to suffer through the nonsense like today's Peavy to White Sox non-story.

Wait, hold on a minute. Big news! Jake Peavy just ate a BLT. Jake Peavy! Jake Peavy! Jake Peavy!

A Tribute to Rem Dog

2009-05-19T01:23:00.000-07:00

For many baseball teams, a local, former member of the roster who looks good on camera passes as a color commentator. They don't offer much.

Jerry Remy is not one of those guys. Rem-Dog is a beloved part of Red Sox culture with a wicked pissah Boston accent to boot.

Unfortunately, Remy is recovering from health complications suffered after cancer surgery. Watching Sox games isn't the same without him by Don Orsillo's side.

I've written before about my fondness for Rem-Dog's brutal honesty and blue collar charisma. Knowledgeable and funny, he makes the game interesting.

I always hope for a lopsided score, because that's when Remy lets loose. Watching him crack up Orsillo gives me the same satisfaction I got watching Tim Conway break up Harvey Korman on the Carol Burnett Show. On Nickelodeon, of course. I'm not that old.

Get well soon, Rem-Dog. Red Sox nation misses you.

Look Alikes - Part 2

2009-05-15T16:37:00.001-07:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE:

Utah forward Mehmet Okur and Hollywood casualty Tom Green have turkey in common. Okur hails from Turkey, and Green's whole career has been a big turkey.

Okur fouls big men, and Green is a fowl, little man. And both seem to have come from the same litter.

Brazilian President Lula da Silva and Lakers coach Phil Jackson both are members of a union. Both men are regarded by many to be great, inspirational leaders who took a unique path to their success.

And both have similar salt and pepper streaked, brillo-pad hair. This season Jackson has shaved his beard, but he's known for his crumb-catcher, which bears a striking resemblance to the "bigote" of da Silva.

Finally, I have always been struck by the resemblance of lethargic right fielder Bobby Abreu to Libyan madman Mohmar Khadafi.

Admittedly, I have a soft spot for Khadafi. He is the only guy other than Michael Jackson that can pull off wearing a jacket lined with gold epaulets AND fake military patches.

But if you look at the smile, the nose, and the fact that neither man is known for their defense, it's plain to see - Abreu and Kadafi were separated at birth.

Check my previous Look-alikes post.

Candy Bars of the Stars

2009-05-08T00:07:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE IMAGES:

In baseball, candy bars are usually named after sluggers. 'Baby Ruth', 'Oh Henry!', and the 'Reggie Bar' were named after Babe Ruth, Henry Aaron, and Reggie Jackson, respectively.

The chocolate nougat 'Baby Ruth', round and stout, resembles the lumpy figure of the portly Babe.

The subtle sophistication of the 'Oh! Henry' wrapper, with a conservative typeface, is appropriate for the reserved, distinguished Home Run King (Sorry, Barry).

And looking at the orange 'Reggie Bar' wrapper, loud and powerful, it brings back memories of the brash Mr. October himself.

I will propose a few baseball candy bars of my own, potential products for modern stars.

1) The Milton Bradley Bar. This bar would be totally NUTS, just like the personality of the temperamental journeyman. Both are dependable, but brittle. And both are prone to cause outbreaks. Not good from a candy bar or an outfielder.

2) Joba's Jawbreakers. Kevin Youkilis could chew a few of these and forgo the wild arm of the husky Nebraskan. If you're going to risk a jaw injury, you might as well enjoy the sweet, tart flavor of the experience while you're at it.

3) W&W's. Last year, no pitcher issued more walks than New York Met Oliver Perez. All M&M Mars needs to do is invert the M&M graphics. Unfortunately, this year Perez is having a meltdown, which is a bad thing for a pitcher or chocolate candy.

And if Alex Rodriguez loses sponsors over new steroid allegations, he could easily endorse 'Whoppers' - both are tough on the outside, soft on the inside.

In a world of punk'd pranks and aggro advertising, these candy bars would fly off the shelves. If you'll excuse me, I need to go file a patent.

READ: Candy Bars of The Stars Part 2

Best. Playoff. Series. Ever.

2009-05-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

The Bulls / Celtics playoff series was great basketball. The games were reminiscent of hoops in the late 80's. Physical play without being too dirty. Every rebound was contested and every loose ball was smothered.

I had given up on the first few rounds of the NBA playoffs, tired of all the lolly-gagging isolation plays and soft D. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!

Goodbye Hondo, hello Rondo - the Celts have a new star. Rondo is focused like no-one on the court. His passes were spectacular and his assist-to-turnover ration was obscene. So was his acting after foul calls.

And Glenn 'Big Baby' Davis played like a grown man, although he did need a nap and burping at half-time.

The Bulls are an exciting team and showed no fear. Derrick Rose and Ben Gordon are explosive, and I love the beard on forward John Salmons - a real crumb catcher.

Guard Kirk Heinrich and Coach Vinny Del Negro have two of the more unique proboscises in the game. They look like hit men for Tony Soprano.

But after the grueling series came to an end, players on both teams showed true sportsmanship and wished each other well at home court.

In a game where egomaniacs make a beeline for the showers, avoiding the media and ignoring the victors, that was a welcome sight.

If Dennis Rodman were on today's Bulls team, he would have angrily hurled his sweat-soaked jersey into the stands, grumbling his way to the lockers, and put on a party dress. That's no way to go out.

What's the point?

2009-05-01T00:02:00.000-07:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE:

There was a time when pitchers trusted their fielders to catch the ball without pointing wildly to a pop fly. But an ugly trend has slowly developed. And now there is a pointing pandemic.

It all began with pitchers pointing out towering fly balls directly over the catcher, an attempt to guide their battery mate when blinded by the sun. Fair enough.

Eventually, pitchers took the liberty of pointing to the sky on any fly ball hit over the infield, should all four infielders be miraculously focused on the ground. OK, so pitchers are "control" freaks in two ways.

Now, however, most fly balls hit anywhere on the diamond - even the outfield - provoke pitchers to point frantically. Unacceptable.

Did you ever see Joe Montana or Magic Johnson point out the trajectory of their passes? No. They trusted their team-mates. And pitchers need to do the same.

Additional digit-dangling occurs when pitchers point to umps to acknowledge a well-called game. Pitchers also point at their outfielders after a great catch. Pedro Martinez famously pointed at batter Jorge Posada when, uh, noting dandruff flakes in the Yankee catcher's hair.

Julian Tavarez has made an art form of pointing, by sticking his finger in the direction of anyone to whom the ball is hit. Perhaps it helps him count outs.

Hitters have also adopted finger-wagging, pointing to the Gods when crossing home plate after a home run. Sometimes the Big Fella even gets a heavenly point after a walk. This is baseball, not Our Lady of Perpetual Forgiveness.

And Manny Ramirez is known for joyfully pointing at fans and team-mates with both hands. The double point has become quite popular, too.

Did Babe Ruth start the trend in 1932 when he pointed towards the bleachers in the World series and famously "called" a home run shot? Who knows.

But I have some advice for Major League players: keep your fingers to yourselves. Waving them in the air is pointless.

Unfortunate Names; Part 2

2009-04-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

The Yankees new stadium is a marvel, but considering their most prominent scoreboard sponsor is Pepsi, it's unfortunate for the soft drink company that millions of fans hear the word COKE on a daily basis.

That's right, the Yanks have inadvertently created in-show advertising for Pepsi's chief rival by including a new relief pitcher on their roster named Phil Coke.

Just wait until he mows down the Red Sox in order. The Daily News and New York Post will be replete with headlines such as "He's the Real Thing" and "Things Go Better with Coke".

A brush-back pitch will surely tempt announcers to declare that the pitcher has asked the hitter to "Take the Coke Challenge". An advertising nightmare.

Another scoreboard sponsor, AT&T, which boasts of internet security, can not be happy with new Yankee pitcher Steven Hacker. Maybe Hacker throws an out pitch called the Confikr Worm.

And in a city where the NYPD is regularly accused of improper arrest procedures, the Yankees cannot be pleased with the surname of infielder Juan Miranda. Stadium cops will surely behave themselves knowing the Yankees have their own Miranda Rights.

And finally, just to remind you that headline grabber Alex Rodriguez has held the team hostage for six years, the man replacing the injured Rodriguez, to whom the Yankees have paid half of a billion dollars, is named Cody Ransom.

RELATED POST: Worst name in baseball

Twins not from Minnesota

2009-04-24T15:45:00.001-07:00

CLICK TO ENLARGE:
I'm a huge NBA fan, but today I discovered for the first time that Joakim Noah and Adam Morrison are actually two different people.

These guys could both use a bottle of high volume shampoo and a trip to Supercuts. Each player also wears a pre-pubescent 'stache that cries for some lip rogaine.

On the topic of clones, someone needs to put movie villain Peter Stormare and the Cavaliers' Zydrunas Ilgauskas in the same room before I am convinced that THEY are not one and the same.

When Lebron doesn't pass enough to Ilgauskas, I almost expect Z to pull a 'Fargo' and shove James down a wood chopper.

And finally, after watching Disco Night on 'American Idol', I have come to the realization that the aging K.C. (of the Sunshine Band) bears a striking resemblance to the 'Hit King' himself, Pete Rose.

With their receding hairlines and expanding waist lines, Charlie Hustle and KC are now both fallen Idols indeed.

MORE LOOK-ALIKES

2009 MLB Preview Video

2009-04-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

Can Sweet Lou lead the Cubbies to a title without blowing a gasket? Can C.C. Sabathia outduel Kobiyashi in a chow-down? Will some GM, for the love of God, pull off a trade for Jake Peavy?

These questions and more are answered by Jon Miller and Joe Morgan in my new animated video "Baseball with Jon and Joe".

I love Jon Miller. He has charisma, with a unique style that departs from cookie-cutter copycats.

He's upbeat and entertaining, and if you really want a laugh, check out Miller's impression of Vin Scully in Japanese. It is sheer brilliance.

As for his longtime sidekick, Joe Morgan, wake me from my nap. I find him slightly more bearable than Tim McCarver, which isn't saying a lot.

Morgan should consider golf, where the hushed monotone of announcers also lulls the viewer into a deep slumber.

Both Joe Morgan and Tim McCarver seem to think their analysis comes from the mountain. But listening to them stumble over their brain synapses is so maddening it drives you to hit MUTE.

The worst name in baseball

2009-04-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

I can't think of a worse name for a pitcher with control issues than Tampa Ray reliever Grant Balfour.

Not Jimmy Balfour, but GRANT Balfour, which turns the name into a phrase.

It's like an Indian Chief; 'Allows Free Pass' or 'Permits Base On Balls'.

Grant Balfour.

Why not sign a slugger named Johnny Hitless and bring in a GM named Bobby Incompetent?

Shortstop Butterfingers McGee is still looking for a job.

And pinch hitter-extraordinaire Imina Slump is available for a pittance.

Maybe Balfour, who is Australian, can hire the agency that created the old Foster's Lager TV campaign.

That formula distracted consumers with images of sexy women, combined with some clever copy of Australian colloquialisms.

Think of it. Hot brunette, blond and redhead umps wearing bikinis and face masks flank a large scoreboard that reads: "Balfour. Australian for Strikeout".

Jake Peavy Watch 2009!

2009-04-03T01:04:00.000-07:00

Jake Peavy this. Jake Peavy that. Jake Peavy watched 'I Love Lucy' and ate a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich.

News alert - the sandwich contained applewood-smoked bacon, and Peavy's wife loves barbeque, so count the Royals in the Peavy-hunt, as K.C. is known for great barbeque sauce.

It's almost that bad. At least 'Texiera Track 2008' was short and sweet, with a surprise ending. With Peayy, the speculation and rumors began during the Reagan administration. What a bore.

I'm more interested in where Nick Markakis will wind up in 2014 then the whereabouts of his Heiness Jake Peavy.

And, sorry, but Jake Peavy? The only name less macho than Peavy is the Angels super set-up man J.J. Putz.

While Peavy did excel in this spring's World Baseball Classic, and had his moments in San Diego, let's remember he plays in the National League West.

This is a division that limps to the finish line, where teams seem to want to win the pennant as much as they want to touch a hot stove.

What happens when Peavy has to face the Yankees, Rays, and Sox in consecutive starts with Big Papi at DH instead of a pitcher in the nine-spot?

I'll tell you what happens - Jake Peavy becomes Javier Vazquez.

This just in! Jake Peavy is sitting on a hammock, reading Newsweek. Jake Peavy! Jake Peavy! Jake Peavy!

2009 NBA MVP Race

2009-03-29T00:24:00.000-07:00

This years NBA MVP award has become the hot topic, and most folks are giving the honors to Dwayne Wade, Kobe Bryant or LeBron James - well before the season is over.

But one of the aforementioned three superstars deserves to, and will win. Each seems to out-perform the next with spectacular play, night after night. 51 here, 61 there...

Wade, back with a vengeance, drives at will, hits absurd game-winners, and dazzles on the hardwood. But his Heat, despite a late push, don't have a spectacular record like the Lakers or Cavs.

Kobe seemingly wills the Lakers to win, takes control in the fourth quarter, hits ridiculous shots from long range, and has now become universally regarded as a team player WMHTB (who makes his team-mates better), a tired-ass sport cliche, but applicable.

And then there's Bron-Bron. Man, I thought James blossomed last year. WRONG. This guy is sick. And keps getting better. And he's funny, charming, polite, charismatic, and can dance! He's the best personality to come along in the NBA since Magic.

The pre-game camera ritual James executes with fellow Cavalier players is freaking hilarious. Most superstars begin the game with a scowel. James starts off with a creative, team-involved gimmick that is family entertainment. A thing of beauty.

The Cavs were a respectable playoff team last year, and James wasn't exactly surrounded by Hall of Famers. And despite additions like Mo Williams, this year's squad is no dream team either.

So wait until Cleveland gets their Gasol. Or their Garnett, when a GM blinks like Kevin McHale did. Cleveland will be frightening.

This year, no-one did more with less than LeBron. Wade and Bryant have been nothing less than spectacular, but hand the hardware to King James.

Mirror Mirror on the wall

2009-03-22T22:04:00.000-07:00

The newest salacious story sweeping the tabloids regards Alex Rodriguez' alleged relationship with a former New York madame.

Kristin Davis, notorious for connecting Elliot Spitzer with "New York's finest", apparently dated A-Rod herself.

Davis also alleges that Rodriguez had sex with several of her call girls, proving that when it really counts, A-Rod actually is capable of getting to third base.

These accusations follow a 2007 photo of A-Rod in Toronto with stripper Jocelyn Morse, and a 2004 allegation by another stripper who also claims that she and Rodriguez played 'long ball'.

What on earth is everyone so upset about? With contracts and salary endorsements totalling close to a billion dollars, A-Rod's call girl expenses alone could jump-start the American economy.

Needless to say, women are attracted to Rodriguez' sizable stimulus package. And when it comes to spreading the wealth among the women in his portfolio, it's clear that A-Rod knows how to, uh, diversify.

So hats off to one of the only entities feeding money back into the bloodstream of the American economy - Alex Rodriguez.

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the richest of them all? A-Rod. Baseball's bailout boy.

Shea Hey

2009-03-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

I grew up in Brooklyn and the first baseball game I ever saw was at Shea Stadium in 1971. My dad took me to the ballpark and I became a Mets fan. For awhile.

Back then Rusty Staub, Bud Harrelson, Tom Seaver and Tug McGraw were the Mets stars. In '69 and '73 the Mets made other teams collapse rather than doing so themselves. Games were broadcast by Ralph Kiner, Lindsey Nelson and Bob Murphy.

Nelson's plaid red blazers were so intense they caused your eyes to see a ghost pattern of the jacket if you looked away. Another twist I could never understand was how Murphy also did double-duties as host of 'Bowling for Dollars'.

Watching little Bud Harrelson stand up to Pete Rose - plays like that forced you to give the scrappy Mets your respect. They had a fun, working-class fan-base, unlike the button-down Yanks.

And Shea was home to the hilarious 'Sign Man' (pictured) who passed away last year. His attire - that hat, the mock turtlenecks and tapered pants - always made me think he'd be perfectly suited as an extra on the original 'Batman'.

The Sign Man was smart. He knew that celebrating had its time and place. But today's Met teams break out into a frenzied merengue over a third-inning single. Jose Reyes has more dance moves than Usher on a case of Red Bull.

Show some restraint, Metropolitans! Rather than talking smack to the Phillies, its time for the 'New' Mets to actually accomplish something. Their attractive new ballpark, and newly-signed Francisco Rodriguez may help accomplish that.

A recent ESPN article suggested that if that Bernie Madoff hadn't bankrupted Mets owner Fred Wilpon, the Mets would have had the flexibility this winter to go after Manny and additional troops.

Poor Wilpon. Maybe he can appeal to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke for some bailout funds. If the Fed can dole out billions to Citi Bank, they can dole more out to Citi Field! Hell, why not.

Just promise me one thing. No outlandish bonuses to Willie Randolph or Scott Schoenweis.

Kenny Fuckin' Powers cracks me up

2009-02-26T22:29:00.000-08:00

HBO's new under-publicized series, Eastbound & Down, is absolutely hilarious and a must-see, sports fans.

The first two episodes have me hooked, and watching hero Kenny Powers work the dance floor on ecstasy to 'A Fifth of Beethoven' made me fall of the couch.

Danny McBride, whose credits include 'Tropic Thunder' and 'Pineapple Express', plays Powers, a foul-mouthed, washed-up MLB pitcher.

Powers, who is shown in the opening credits throwing a camera to the ground in a fit of Kenny Rogers-like rage, gets a second chance as a substitute teacher at an elementary school.

Despite his poor reputation and average looks, Powers carries himself like he's a saint. Known as The Golden Dick, Powers somehow romances a sultry schoolteacher from his past and always manages to get in trouble.

Surrounded by a great cast that includes Steve Little as 'Stevie' and the hilarious Andrew Daly, I encourage you to watch this bizarre black comedy. I am delighted that HBO chose to run with this show. It's not for everyone, but I like it a shit ton, as Kenny would say.

Bud Out

2009-02-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig recently declared that New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has shamed the game of baseball. Bullroar!

The only shame in the game is the mound of dandruff that always collects on Selig's cheap blue blazer. That and the frightening mask of grotesque confusion that he wears on his face at every press conference or game.

He looks like a C-grade CPA on decaf.

A-Rod may be a naive, narcissistic, choker, but he was outed by his union in what was supposed to be a private test.

Is that stupid? Yes. Why shouldn't the public know? The baseball union had its way on those particular tests in not making results known.

But Bonds and Giambi lied to a Grand Jury. Where was Selig's "shame" speech for them? A Rod only fibbed for Katie Couric.

And unlike a co-operative Rodriguez, Bonds always treated the media like pigs.

I'm assuming someone with a grudge was paid off. This one just smells funny to me. Who are the other 103? Not fair to single A-Rod out.

This whole thing is really a mess now. Tejada, Clemens, Petitte, Rodriguez, Bonds.

But stoning the players in front of the media feels old now. It is time for some trainers, some brave GMs, some managers and some Union Reps to take the fall here.

A thirst for the long ball after the strike made owners turn a blind eye to rampant PED use in the clubhouse - supplied by all sorts of "trainers" that are no longer permitted.

Let's hear the whole story. At this point, forcing apologies from players feels like a case of "Don't Blame The Messenger".

Nicknames

2009-02-19T00:41:00.000-08:00

Choo-Choo. Mookie. Dizzy.

Daffy Dean. Duffy Dyer.

Baseball's nicknames are poetic. Sluggers have authoritative ones like 'Sultan of Swat' or 'Hammerin Hank'. And smaller infielders bear more diminutive nicknames like Pokey and Pee Wee.

Some are based on appearance, some on reputation. And unless you already have a nickname, players and coaches will find a way to give you one. I've noticed placing an "o" or "ie" at the end of the first syllable of the last name is the last resort.

So if I wasn't known as Pedro, Handelman would become Hando or Handie. At least in Tito Francona's world.

Besides, it would just sound awkward listening to a skipper praise the skills of a player named William or Charles. Turk or Daddy Long Legs slide off the tongue real pretty-like instead.

I hereby propose a few nicknames for the upcoming season. Bud Selig; Dopey. Alex Rodriguez; Doper. Manny Ramirez; Moper.

Will Manny Boras to death?

2009-02-10T03:14:00.000-08:00

It's fascinating to see malcontent baseball superstars languish unsigned this winter, as the new economy trickles down to sports.

Manny Ramirez's agent, Scott Boras, is a notorious negotiator with dubious methods. He likes his players to sign for the most money offered. But in baseball's new fickle economy, Boras overestimated the market and may have lost Manny forty-five million dollars when all is said and done.

Ramirez needs a more kick-back and likable agent who can close the deal. How about L'Montro? The affable, popular baseball barber known for his inventive fades and braids. Monty Hall, anyone? Can I get a Lew Wasserman?

For fifteen years, Ramirez took heat, but escaped excessive criticism because of his hitting prowess and personality. But Manny's transgressions are finally coming back to haunt him. It's too risky to invest long-term in a thirty-seven year old malcontent with questionable base-running and defensive skills.

But The Dodgers want Manny back and continue to make offers despite two contract rejections. Will Manny re-sign with L.A.?

He energized a young Dodger team, the fans of Los Angeles, and lifted a team going south to the Championship Series. His Dominican roots and eccentric personality make for a perfect fit in L.A.

So what's the hold up? Time will tell...

The lovely lesbians at Staples Center

2009-01-20T10:39:00.001-08:00

When you've watched as many NBA games on television as I have, you begin to look for entertainment off the court.

When fouls, timeouts and blowouts bring the energy down, I begin to look to the crowd for relief. Sure, screaming fanatics wearing face paint in the nosebleeds are fun, but courtside fans are the ticket holders who fascinate me.

The networks like to cutaway to courtside celebrities - Leo, Denzell, and Andy Garcia. But I'm more curious about the "little people" beside them.

These nobodies get plenty of face time, constantly televised during timeouts and inbounds plays. They become familiar fixtures in the cast of a game.

At Staples Center in Los Angeles, there's "caveman", at center court, with dark black hair and goatee. There's the Alice Cooper look-alike with long locks and a western hat. I'm told he's a real estate big-wig. Vic the Brick, the purple and gold rabbi. And my favorites, the lesbians.

That's what I call them. Of course I don't know for sure, but they are an adorable couple. They never miss a game. I mean NEVER. And they are always together, clapping, cheering, and acting like real fans.

And with courtside tickets priced at $2,500 a pop, these lesbians have invested their money wisely.

They sit directly beside the visiting team's coaches and can be seen on the right side of the photo in this post. Who is the woman on the right? A philanthropist from Pasadena? And her partner? A poker-faced mystery.

In a city where fans miss the fourth quarter to get a jump on traffic, its wonderful to see them stick it out through garbage time on a regular basis. To me, the lesbians are Laker fixtures as much as Jack Nicholson or Billy Bertka.

Cheers to you, lesbian Laker fans. You put me at ease when I see you in your seats.

Most Definitely

2008-11-04T01:39:00.000-08:00

When I lived in Boston, I delighted in listening to Boston Celtics games broadcast on the radio by Johnny Most. Most broadcast games during the Celtics golden era (1953-1990), and his raspy voice is known to basketball fans everywhere.

Johnny was a homer, and became especially incited by the Bad Boy era Detroit Pistons. Laimbeer, Rodman and Mahorn got his goat, and he'd let everyone know that he didn't like their aggressive fouls and shenanigans.

Sometimes, Johnny became so enraged he would shout himself into a coughing fit. You really got the feeling he would go into cardiac arrest at any moment.

Most's longevity and popularity made him a great counterpart to Lakers legend Chick Hearn, who also announced over three decades - with the Los Angeles Lakers. Both had tremendous charisma and never held back from voicing an opinion.

Johnny once inadvertently set his trousers ablaze during a broadcast and never missed a beat. And there's a story that Most once complained of ear pain for months - until doctors discovered an abandoned earplug lodged deep in Johnny's canal.

Both Most and Hearn are missed...

Jerry Remy Karaoke Night!

2008-10-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I'm obsessed with Jerry Remy. Something about the blue collar personality combined with a refusal to censor himself make for an appealing combination as a color man. There is no BS from the Rem Dog - he tells it like he sees it.

The brutal honesty, the authentic Boston accent and the wheezing cackle Remy makes when giggling with play-by-play partner Don Orsillo are more than enough to justify the MLB package, and giving Time Warner $159 of my wife's hard earned cash.

2008 MLB Playoff Observations

2008-10-04T23:35:00.000-07:00

Ah, The Playoffs. A time of crisp, fall breezes, manager second-guessing, and heroes and goats.

Joe Maddon's paunch is smaller, and Lou Piniella's is bigger.

Joe Torre has a tan and Dale Sveum actually had to get a shave. Not since Sal 'The Barber' Maglie has there been a more memorable five o'clock shadow than the stubble on Sveum.

Tampa fans are so unaccustomed to the long ball, they run for cover when a bomb hits the bleachers... if it gets there. The Trop's four catwalks have prevented some moon-shots from ever coming down. Those catwalks, incidentally, are used to support the Tropicana's overhead dome. So bring a safety hat to the game.

Round One saw some feeble play by the Halos and Cubbies, while the White Sox and Brewers went down with a little more fight. I'm looking forward to the war between Tampa and Boston, as these two teams have quite a history of beanings and brawls.

Dodgers-Phillies should be no less interesting, these teams playing meaningful ball for the first time since Schmidt and Luzinski vs. Lopes, Russel and Garvey. I for one am hoping for a Red Sox vs. Red Sox West Showdown. Maybe D-Lowe will plunk Youk, and in the scrum Nomar and Manny will tag team Tito.

The Dodgers remind me of sushi wizards in Los Angeles that depart their master, taking along an elite chef or two, to start a copycat using the old place's tricks.

The Blue Crew snatched Red Sox PR exec Charles Steinberg. They started 'Think Cure', a Jimmy Fund rip-off. And they filled the roster with ex-Sox including Manny, Nomar, D-Lowe and Grady.

Big surprise - Dodger GM Frank McCourt is from Boston. And the Dodgers have become McCourt's Monopoly game dream team.

Wake up Henry!

2008-08-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

This morning I watched China take on USA, an opening basketball heat to qualify for medals. Fun to watch - and great to see 1972 team member Doug Collins doing the call with Mike Breen.

The Chinese team, which has NBA players past, present and future (Wang Zhi Zhi, Yao Ming , and Sun Yue) kept it close until adrenaline wore out and reality set in.

Sun Yue, (pictured) still only 20, was drafted by the Lakers in 2007 and just signed a contract with the team. Collins called Yue the Chinese Magic Johnson and Yue showed flashes. Yao, recovering from ankle surgery, played well, and the Chinese team played a respectable, tenacious game.

President Bush, who is this close to ripping off his button-down and globbing red, white and blue USA war-paint on his belly, was seen discussing the finer points of a pick and roll with Laura.

Did anyone notice a slumping Henry Kissinger, passed out in the seats above Bush? At one point, Jason Kidd fed Bron-Bron for a dunk that incited a raucous audience response, and after a cutaway to the Bush clan, a startled Kissy could be seen throwing his arms up after being jolted awake.

There are Chinese citizens desperate for tickets to these events and we have self-serving politicians occupying those seats, checking their watches and grabbing cat-naps!

Bush snags photo-ops with bikini babes for the family album, then sits at basketball games like its his first rodeo.

Someone hand Henry a lightning stick and give George 1 a blow-horn. And do we have some cotton candy for Laura? She looks hungry!

2008 Olympics; Opening Ceremony Review

2008-08-08T23:26:00.000-07:00

The opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics in Beijing was a visually stunning achievement. That said, many aspects of the presentation confused me.

The night started out with a melodramatic pizza-dough making demonstration, as hundreds of young men holding glow sticks banged on electronic cutting boards in unison.

After a brief fireworks display, members of Cirque de Soleil appeared and floated about the Bird's Nest with small flashlights fixed on their faces.

At that point, a few dozen elegantly dressed small children (stand-ins from 'The Lost Emperor') carried a flag that was violently snatched from them by high-stepping members of the Gestapo.

Then, a gigantic rain tarp magically appeared, the kind used at baseball games. It slowly rolled open from both ends, like a scroll. But this was no ordinary rain tarp. It operated without the use of human hands and contained a massive high-definition screen. Why it showed images of ancient landscapes instead of highlights of Kobe feeeding Bron-Bron for tomahawk dunks is beyond me.

Next, in an ode to Etch-a-Sketch, a set of ninjas clad in black began body-painting, using gloves lined with large ink pads. Their work was barely better than that of famed body-painter Farrah Fawcett.

After a breathtaking, Mummenshanz-like display of undulating, oversized typewriter keys, a child was shown taking a magic carpet ride. I kept looking at the center of the arena and wishing it was I who owned the largest PSP on earth. PlayStation Portable is what they were using, correct?

At this point, the show really pushed the envelope, as a set of loudly-dressed drag queens paraded about the stadium. Then the Chinese Liberace sang, complete with styled pompadour.

After an amazing display of scampering humans wearing Christmas lights, the obligatory adorable, flying child appeared! This has seemingly been an "awww" staple since Montreal in '76.

Leave it to President Bush, who, during his first cutaway, managed to look down and check his watch.

I'm used to seeing really old people do Tai Chi in the park, but the next act had young women dessed as chefs executing Bruce Lee-like maneuvers.

Then, the grand finale - hundreds of people dancing in unison, an obvious ode to the Phillipine prison renditions of 'Thriller' so popular on YouTube.

But just as I was enjoying this spectacle, huge images of children inexplicably appeared on the electronic scoreboard at the top of the Bird's Nest. I thought it was an Amber Alert, but I soon realized they were stock images from Corbis, just a cute touch by the night's choreographer, McG.

A tremendous open. Athough I would characterize it as a sophisticated version of "The Wave" meets football fans making shapes over their heads with hand-held signs.

It was followed by an endless parade of the Olympic participants. Or, what I like to call 'The March of The Airline Attendants and Fast-Food Vendors'. This is an exhilirating display of textiles so extensive, it makes NBC's show on sister-station Bravo, 'Project Runway', look meek by comparison.

Certain countries forgot their ethnic garb and had to resort to donning the uniforms of Best Buy, Taco Bell and Circuit City. Either that or Chinos and a Polo are now universal.

On a closing note, I felt the tone of announcers Bob Costas and Matt Lauer was too casual. It felt jokey and inappropriate. Their sarcasm and pace was no different from the cotton candy patter of a Macy's Thanksgiving parade.

Hosting a worldwide event rife with political implications, the duo treated the night like they were announcing the height and weight of Donald Duck and Garfield baloons.

NBC may want us to believe that Beijing is all about a coming out party for China, but round-the-clock commercials, embedded corporate sponsors and increasingly diminutive fetish "uniforms" remind us its really all about T & A & $$$.

Mann-imated!

2008-08-03T17:21:00.000-07:00

Here's a tribute to one of the most enigmatic and charismatic sports figures of the modern era, Manny Ramirez.

A recent article claims that Ramirez asked agent Scott Boras to reverse the trade that sent him to the Dodgers after learning of the transaction. Ay caramba.

In return, the story said, Manny would promise to play the year out faithfully, provided the Sox dropped the two remaining option years on his contract.

It's so crazy I believe it. That Ramirez conceived an imaginary contract after an actual trade had been made is hilarious. Classic Manny.

Man-Ram was planning to party in South Beach, but Theo threw him a curve and sent him to Tinseltown instead. Now the Marlins' Han-Ram remains the team's only Ramirez. Which is less confusing.

But in a world where Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter and other athlete superstars reveal nothing intimate and show no personality, Ramirez is an authentic, lovable rebel. With a great head of hair. And a lethal bat. Transgressions aside, I will his him in Boston.

Sports Psychic Prophecy Comes True!

2008-08-03T00:11:00.000-07:00

It seems that some six months ago I foresaw Manny's arrival in Hollywood. Take a look at an oldie, but goodie. Boy, Spongebob was a real pain in the ass that day.

Catching on

2008-08-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

Watching everyone get jumpy pants excited over the Yankees acquisition of Pudge Rodriguez was amusing. This speaks more to the scarcity of quality catchers in the game than Rodriguez' current abilities.

When guys like Pudge, Jeff Kendall and Benito Santiago hang on as long as they do, it has to make you happy to watch a kid like Russel Martin of the Dodgers.

Rodriguez is a likely Hall of Famer, but well past his glory days. His (post-performance enhancing drug days) physique is astonishing, but he is a serviceable battery mate.

I will have you know that while there are a plethora of reasons for me dislike athletes, I love all catchers. They're just a different breed. They're not chatting with front row fans, they're crouching behind the plate calling a game!

And after having 98 mile an hour heaters ricochet off their face mask, they usually act like nothing has happened. I mean, I love my Sox, but JD Drew grimaces in pain if the wind blows.

Catchers also become great managers, as Mike Scoscia and Joe Torre have recently shown. The greatest of them all, Yogi Berra, started a trend at the All Star Game in New York, by kissing George Steinbrenner's hand after The Boss was carted onto the field in pre game ceremonies.

It inspired the other Yankee Hall of Famers to do the same, in a scene that was eerily reminiscent of 'The Godfather'.

Digging In the Batters Box

2008-07-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

My newest web obsession is a channel on YouTube called Batting Stance Guy. This fellow does some uncanny impressions of hundreds of modern baseball players' batting stances. I have tried this before with friends. It's not easy.

Seemingly ambidextrous, Batting Stance Guy often impersonates an entire team in succession with no edits, jumping easily from lefty to righty as his friends shout out the names.

But Batting Stance Guy doesn't just do Batting Stances. He masters the body language of the post-swing follow-through, the toss of the bat, facial expressions and other idiosyncrasies.

His impressions are solid, inventive and hilarious. He's a batting stance savant.

Love Story in the Bronx.

2008-07-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

For a number of years now, I have been a subscriber to the MLB baseball package. For a fee, I see games broadcast from every team's city through the inept Time Warner Cable.

I get to see some great play-by-play and color tandems, and some that put me to sleep. Of particular interest are the Tampa Bay Rays who have TWO teams of mediocre announcers that switch duties mid-game.

Thankfully, the Yankees and Red Sox are the only teams that didn't sell out to Fox Sports, who broadcast the remaining teams' games in the league.

The Yankees and Red Sox established their own lucrative cable-subscription networks apart from FOX. And in a world where there are only a handful of media entities controlling what we see and hear, it's nice to have YES' individual voice.

That said, many of YES Network's commercial and promotional spots often feel like a Leni Reifenstahl propaganda flick. Self-congratulatory and patriotic, the constant stream of spots are icky and hard to take. So, today I've taken a stab at YES...

Cardboard Gods is Heavenly!

2008-07-22T17:46:00.001-07:00

Last night I was feverishly searching google images for a photo of Oscar Gamble.

Oscar plays a brief role in an upcoming 'Sports Short' I'm making. One of my searches led me to an incredible website called Cardboard Gods.

The blog uses baseball cards, whose imagery are indelibly burned in the minds of many baseball fanatics, as a means to discuss players and the game.

His post on Reggie Jackson's 1975 Topps card was spectacular, like listening to my art history professors at Boston University do forensics on a painting.

He's very funny and very observant. I encourage you to check out his site: Cardboard Gods.

Halo Again

2008-07-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

If you were a GM, which charismatic, power-hitting, Dominican outfielder would you rather have anchoring your lineup - the Red Sox Manny Ramirez or the Angels' Vladimir Guererro?

Manny puts up solid numbers on a more consistent basis, but Vladi is just as dangerous a bat, and has a lethal gun for an arm.

I watched Josh Beckett go up against Joe Saunders at Angels Stadium saturday, and asked the fans for their opinion before and after the game. Looks like Angel fans are honest after a beer or two.

That's Heavy!

2008-07-14T08:29:00.001-07:00

Last week, the Milwaukee Brewers traded their top prospect, Matt LaPorta, to the Cleveland Indians. In exchange, the Brew Crew received ace starter CC Sabathia, who tips the scales somewhere around 300 pounds.

Joining portly Prince Fielder, listed at 270, the Brewers are now baseball's official weight-watchers. With Seth McLung and Eric Gagne each weighing in around 250, you can rest assured the Brewers clubhouse cold-cut spread looks more like a convention buffet.

Just don't get in an old elevator with CC and Prince. And there is no truth to the rumor that these guys will participate in Milwaukee's famed (stuffed) sausage race. Although the sight of Fielder dressed as a kielbasa would be amusing.

One suggestion to management: I think the team bus would get improved gas mileage if they dumped 235-pound backup catcher Mike Rivera in exchange for Jenny Craig.

Red Sox Nation Gets Animated!

2008-07-11T02:37:00.000-07:00

Boston's cramped Fenway Park in Kenmore Square has history and fans like no other team. From The Babe until Billy Buckner, the team suffered.

But since Pedro Martinez' arrival, the Sox have been on a roll, and regularly feature an incredible cast of personalities and talent.

This year is no different, so its time for a musical homage to baseball's best and most charismatic team - the Boston Red Sox. A totally animated rap video about the Old Towne Team.

One line that never made it: "Meryl Streep dvd's - the choice is Sophie's...We've got two shiny world series trophies"

LaRussa needs to listen to some John Phillip Sousa

2008-07-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

I read today that St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa resents former center-fielder Jim Edmonds now that Edmonds is a Cub and has put his Cardinals days behind him.

What? LaRussa is out of line. And waaay over-rated. Cito Gaston has twice as many rings as LaRussa in half the time yet no-one is anointing Gaston the official genius of baseball.

The article explained that the falling out was not as severe as the one LaRussa had with former tough-as-nails third baseman Scott Rolen.

Poor Tony, so much drama in the clubhouse. Come to think of it, didn't LaRussa have a falling out with Stan Musial, Red Schoendienst, Budweiser and the Cards' batboy?

I've seen Tony regularly don a lucky ballet t-shirt under that classic jersey. Maybe its time for Tony to lace up the slippers and cool down. Just not with an ice cold one, Tony. In the car. Asleep. Please.

Lenny & Squiggy, Madge & Stray-Rod

2008-07-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

Major League Baseball has to be very flustered right now. They predicated their All Star TV campaign on Alex Rodriguez, who is now making headlines for all the wrong reasons.

MLB can't get anything right. What's next? Milton Bradley surrounded by a sea of kindergardeners, extolling the virtues of teamwork?

Meanwhile, Madge has just released "You Must Be My Lucky All-Star", and ever the competitive recording artist, Kravitz responded by dropping a new mash-up: "Latin-American Woman"

Madonna & A Rod and more...

2008-07-01T10:08:00.000-07:00

Well, it didn't take the material girl long to hook up with the material guy.

The papers were buzzing - Madge was seen donning a Yankees lid! So, what's next? Rodriguez wears cone-shaped bra over the pinstripes?

Is the Kabala next for the Yankee slugger? I think Rodriguez would look nifty in a smart yamulke with the #13 embroidered on the side.

The future of this relationship? Like a Prayer, as Maddy once said...

Elton Brand and Corey Magette opted out of the last year of their contract with the Clippers - big surprise there... Yankees so desperate for pitching they bring notorious malcontent Sidney Ponson aboard... new, fully animated sports rap video coming next week! pedro

Celtics or Lakers? The Sequel!

2008-06-10T02:23:00.000-07:00

I decided to tour Downtown Los Angeles and duplicate my 1988 'Lakers or Celtics' poll - two decades later. And I realized - it's not easy finding parking Downtown!

Which is why having my friend 'Crif' escort me in his Mercedes was a bonus. He'd pop the hood feigning car problems in no-parking zones while I hit the streets looking for interview victims.

I wanted to shoot out his window as we drove, but a faulty fuse prevented that from happening. I think my friend should trade his Mercedes in for a Yaris.

Most of the participants were by the Central Library.

Lakers or Celtics? 1988 Q & A in Boston

2008-05-30T23:58:00.000-07:00

In 1988, I worked on Temple Place in Downtown Boston. In May of that year, I asked the locals during a lunch break: Lakers or Celtics?

The poll was conducted during the Eastern Conference Finals, and everyone assumed Larry, Kevin and the Chief would prevail. But the Pistons finally vanquished the C's in the '88 post-season, with a squad that featured Dennis Rodman, Isaiah Thomas, Joe Dumars and John Salley.

Shot on High-8 video, its one of Pedro's first ever sports shorts, and shows a nice slice of workaday Boston two decades ago.

Joba is buggin'!

2008-05-17T01:09:00.000-07:00

Joba Chamberlain has precision control. Except for the time he "accidentally" lobbed two heaters in a row at Kevin Youkilis' head. Like some closers, Joba does his version of an end-zone dance after a significant punch-out.

But Yankee reliever Goose Gossage, the arbiter of decorum, has indicated such mound displays are not in keeping with the Yankee way. Oh yeah, like the nest Gossage wore on his upper lip would have made Lou Gehrig proud.

This is sports news?

2008-05-13T01:10:00.000-07:00

Maxim Magazine, purveyors of fine literature, feature a list of their '100 hottest women' in the May 20 issue. In an interview with amNewYork, Maxim revealed that a certain Yankee has dated a handful of them. This story spread, and was headline news everywhere. Why, I ask you? Why?

MLBPA free-agent investigation

2008-05-13T00:51:00.000-07:00

This one's a head scratcher. Then again, we're talking about the Major League Baseball Players Association.

The MLBPA has launched an investigation into the free-agent market, investigating key unsigned players.

Just months after being typically uncooperative with the Mitchell Report on steroids, Donald Fehr and his boys now expect the league to line up and throw funny money at Barry Bonds and other unwanted, unsigned relics such as Kenny Lofton.

Please.

What's next - Fehr complaining of collusion against Rickey Henderson and Satchell Paige?

90 seconds at Staples with Pedro!

2008-05-09T17:42:00.000-07:00

I shot some footage at Game 1 of the NBA playoffs between the Lakers and Nuggets at Staples Center - from my chair in Occidental's Suite. Oo la la. Never been in a corporate suite before. You print a barcode online that lets you in the door like it's a Sheraton.

Then it's sushi, cold cuts, sodas, beer, and more lap dances than I can remember... OK, not really - I skipped the cold cuts.

The view was superb - no obstructions ever. Better than many floor seats, where your focus and view are disturbed by vendors, or other fans coming down your aisle.

Not much of a contest - Iverson was lethargic as usual and the Nuggets looked like they wanted an early vacation. Watch Kenyon Martin play shadow defense on Gasol. And moves from the Laker Girls. I added audio from Chick Hearn to spice things up.

Clemens Roid Rage: Roger & Rusty show

2008-05-09T01:57:00.000-07:00

The press conference in which Roger Clemens played an audio tape of his cryptic phone conversation with trainer Brian McNamee was played on ESPN so frequently it felt like a Zapruder film.

Watching Roger toss a medicine ball and run football formations in soccer shorts is just too hilarious and inspired the video below.

Is this Clemens' way of accounting for his oversized body - by holding public workouts for the media? Does he think that by breaking a sweat once in a blue moon, it will somehow explain the ridiculous feats he accomplished well into his forties?

A Day at Fenway with Don & Jerry

2008-05-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

There is no greater joy than listening to Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy do play-by-play and color for Red Sox games on NESN. When Remy and Orsillo get the giggles, its as satisfying as a Harvey Korman and Tim Conway chucklefest.