August 31, 2012

Baseball's New Sabermetrics

Bill James revolutionized baseball statistics with Sabermetrics, creating innovative stats to gauge players' skills. Gone are the days when a hitter was judged by HR's and RBI's, or a pitcher's effectiveness was based on Win / Loss numbers.

Now a player is valued if he has an active twitter account or soon to expire bloated contract.

But seriously... I'm tolerant of OBP (On Base Percentage) and RISP (average with Runners In Scoring Position).

However, 'Walks and Hits per Innings Pitched' (WHIP) brings to mind a menacing Betty Page in a black bustier wielding a leather lash.

The 'Wins Above Replacement Player' stat (WAR) makes me think of Mujahideen in Afghanistan. That, or the 70's funk band jamming on party favorite 'Low Rider'.

I have devised some new statistical analysis of my own, such as BEFCS - Bagels Eaten From Clubhouse Spread.

Matt Stairs daily BEFCS is nine, and at 43 he is playing his 19th season! CC Sabathia's daily BEFCS is twelve, and he makes 23 million a year. Surprisingly, the equation is mo' bagels, mo' money.

There are two waspy players who look like they have never eaten a bagel in their life: Pat Burrell and Michael Young. Yet both have had fine careers. So go figure.

Also of interest is CTSPI - Chewing Tobacco Spits Per Inning. Matt Garza, the league's runaway leader in CTSPI, is a highly prized trade commodity. Manny Ramirez was a tobacco spitting machine, and put fear in every pitcher's heart. Face it, the higher the CTSPI, the better the player.

I'd be more prone to include a guy on my Fantasy Team who has an impressive track record with CGPAB - Cup Grabs Per At Bat. Cup grabbing is a sure sign of confidence. Just watch A-Rod. It's like he's rubbing Buddah for good luck.

How about GCTJC? (Giving Credit To Jesus Christ). Many of the league's standout players regularly give a shout out to the captain of salvation. Face it, The Messiah is right there with Mariano when it comes to miraculous saves.

Now stick with me. When you add a player's cup grabs to his Jesus shout outs (GCTJC + CGPAB) you get CGGCJC. Josh Hamilton, the god-fearing, crack smoking slugger leads the league hands down in this category.

Is this my CBPE? (Craziest Blog Post Ever)... Maybe. But I wouldn't be surprised if Scott Boras is hard at work assembling one of his famous notebooks with a whole chapter devoted to the value of a free agent who is a god-fearing, crack-smoking, cup-grabbing, bagel eater.