February 26, 2011

2011 NBA Trade Deadline Recap

The 2011 NBA Trade deadline ended with plenty of millionaires changing addresses.

Kendrick Perkins, who looks like he wants to run through you like like a bull, was dealt to the Thunder for some guy named Jeff Green. I guess Danny Ainge forgot to take his meds.

Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler and Raymond Felton are feeling the Rocky Mountain High as the exodus of Knicks now makes Denver the "New York Nuggets."

And drama queen Carmelo Anthony, who held the league hostage as he chose a team, was mercifully dealt to the Knicks. Yawn. Carmelo is a big bore on the personality meter. Nice offensive game, but a better nap inducer. Lunesta is literally tapping Carmelo's veins for byproducts.

And how did Chauncey Billups become the "Mike Lowell" of the Knicks' trade? Don't be surprised if Billups makes more of a mark than Sleepy Anthony.

Back to Danilo Gallinari. Say it out loud. Say it again. Doesn't that feel better? Danilo Gallinari... Danilo Gallinari. There, I feel better. How can you NOT love Danilo Gallinari? Say it with flair - Danilo Gallinari!

I like that someone finally didn't say NYET to swinging Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorof. He pulled off a steal of a deal, landing talented point guard Jason Williams.

Unfortunately for Williams, he is hereby known as "E" from Entourage, because of the big breakup with Sloan.

You just know that sometime after the trade, Prokhorov was slamming down top-shelf vodka with a few Moscow "models" as they slathered each other with Beluga caviar.

Jay-Z swung by with brandy and condoms. They burned 1,000 dollar bills. The Russian and the Rapper. Bringing basketball to Brooklyn.

February 7, 2011

Super Bowl XLV Recap


Yesterday I read a pre-game headline that said: "The Steel Curtain attempts to slam down Packer dreams"

Was this an article about the far right rejecting gay marriage?

No, it's the Super Bowl - Steelers vs. Packers!

By the way, Super Bowl "XLV" represents Roman numerals, not the average lineman's jersey size.

I'm guessing less than 5% of the public understands Roman numerals, and that includes myself.

Look, I rarely watch football. So if I want to see a tight end in motion all afternoon, I'll watch a Jessica Biel flick, not the NFL.

But the Super Bowl is an opportunity to justify eating an abundance of industrial nacho cheese sauce and getting hammered before supper.

During the pre-game show, it looked like the players wanted to rip the head off of 'Glee' cast member Lea Michele.

Can you imagine the reaction in fly-by states if FOX brought out Chris Colfer in drag to do a flamboyant version of the national anthem?

That honor was given to Christina Aguilera, who somehow managed to intersperse lyrics from 'Genie In A  Bottle" into the song.

At the coin toss, I mistook Deion Sanders, resplendent in a loud tie and dress shirt, for my Rabbi playfully flipping some Hanukkah Gelt.

As for the players, Ben Roethlisberger is adept at a clever pass - more often than not with college girls, as opposed to the pigskin.

And Troy Polamalu can be a disturbing sight - because from the back, his hair makes him look like Jennifer Beals in 'Flashdance'.

When the game ended, seventeen days later, I had a full beard. I never needed a bottle of Pepto Bismol more. And the sight and sound of uber-serious Howie Long made me want to rip my own head off.