January 24, 2011

Return of The Idiots: Tampa's Devils

This winter, the Boston Red Sox signed Tampa Bay Rays free agents Carl Crawford and Dan Wheeler. So it's fitting that Tampa turned around and signed former Red Sox stalwarts Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez.

While the Rays' collective batting average may rise, their collective IQ just dropped.

To assimilate with their new star teammates, Tampa players have been asked to read 'Idiots For Dummies'.

GPS location trackers have already been installed in Manny's jersey, should he wander during the game to play with the outfield stingray tank.

Interestingly, Damon has attendance incentives built into his contract. The less people he scares away with his batting average, the more he is paid.

Damon is adept at making contact, but his throwing arm leaves a lot to be desired. The Rays will be lucky if a Damon lob actually goes FORWARD.

As for Ramirez, now that the league has stricter guidelines for PED's, Manny can get his energy boost from a limitless supply of Tropicana orange juice.

But Ramirez could be a real mentor to younger players. His skills include how to fake a hamstring injury, and managing unruly cornrows.

Meanwhile, Joe Maddon had better subscribe to 976-WAKE, because getting these guys out of bed might prove to be a more difficult chore than winning the division.

Jilted Dodger fans have described Manny Ramirez as evil. And Johnny Damon, nicknamed Jesus by Sox fans, became known as Satan when he departed to play for the Yankees.

Manny and Johnny - putting the DEVIL back in Tampa's Devil Rays.


Anonymous said...

LOL,LOL,& LOL. Going to be great baseball season~~~`"Go Sox"!

Cycling shorts said...
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