ESCAPE FROM PLANET OF THE APES
The unruly Phillies fan who was tasered by security while running around the outfield made for some interesting discussion this week about whether his treatment was warranted.
I advocate a more humane method of subduing drunk fans. Like casting a large net over them.
I'd like to see the Phoenix Suns' gorilla mascot in charge of such duties.
This sets up the possibility of an entangled fan defiantly resisting capture, shouting "Get your stinking hands off me, you damn, dirty ape!"
Baseball players love to smash a pie in the face of their teammates who were responsible for a heroic win.
But in recent years, the pie has all but disappeared, with players lumping a mound of shaving cream over a towel instead.
The end effect on the face is similar to a creamy meringue, but I'm not impressed. The look of a broken crust and pie tin plastered to someone's ear lobe is far more effective.
Can't these millionaires spring for a freaking pie, or just swipe one from the clubhouse spread?
Sports shows regularly celebrate the walk-off RBI as if it were something terribly unique. But after 9 innings, ANY run knocked in by the home team is a walk-off.
If a player wins the game with a Home Run in the 9th - now that is a legitimate walk-off.
But when a washed-up reserve finally ends everyone's misery with a bloop in the 16th inning, he should walk off feeling lucky.