January 8, 2010

Gandalf Arenas vs. Gollum Stern

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In 1997 Abe Pollin changed the name of his Washington basketball franchise from The Bullets to The Wizards. Pollin believed "Bullets" had a negative connotation and sent the wrong message.

As new details emerge about handguns drawn in the locker room by Washington's Gilbert Arenas and Jarvis Crittenton, you have to believe Pollin is rolling in his grave.

But would Pollin see the eerie similarities between his beloved team and J.R. Tolkien's tales of wizardry?

Washington last won a title in 1978, as Wes Unseld and his teammates enjoyed a Fellowship of Rings.

And now, Gilbert Arenas sees himself as Gandalf, placing blame on Saruman Crittenton as Arenas leads the Wizards in a fight against evil.

Yesterday, NBA commissioner David Stern indefinitely suspended Gandalf Arenas, after the Wizard continued to make light of the situation.

This is unfair. Did Stern suspend Yao Ming and Sun Yue when they drew numb-chucks in summer league? No.

And where were the suspensions when Vinny Del Negro and Tom Gugliotta threatened each other with dead fish?

Where was the punishment when Jewish point guard Jordan Farmar waved a lit Hanukkah menorah at team-mate Lamar Odom?

I am outraged. Gandalf Arenas is merely protecting Middle Earth against Saruman Crittenton. Commissioner Stern, like Gollum, has oversized ears, and both twist words to their own advantage.

And it is high time that Pau Gasol, who like Frodo has a messy mane, comes to the rescue to settle this mess.

Gasol and Frodo both endured a long wait for an elusive ring, and Gasol must use his Pau-wers to ensure the Dark Lord David Stern's downfall.

After all, everyone always agreed that Arenas was a good shooter.