December 7, 2009

Tiger on the prowl

Boy, now THAT was one expensive text message. Forget fifty-five cents. Tiger Woods' text to Rachael Uchitel may cost him fifty-five million.

This just in: Tiger also slept with Charo, Katie Couric and Salt and Pepa.

How did this guy ever find the time to actually play golf? Seems like the links were the only place Tiger managed to have a hole in one.

After crashing his SUV into a tree, Tiger was later allegedly snoring with his shoes off - which is what most people do when they watch golf on TV.

The milk-toast golf great has a hankering for cocktail waitresses. And this proves that, contrary to popular belief, Tiger is fully capable of shanking it into the next fairway.

This just in: Laverne, the UPS lady and Janet Reno have also admitted to appreciating Tiger's stroke.

Transgressions. Tiger said he made transgressions. So vague and nebulous. His publicists know how to candy coat a dirty dog.

I am excited for, in no particular order, Tiger on Barabra Walters, Oprah, Bryant Gumbel, and a match in which Vijay Singh kicks Tiger's 3-iron whooped behind. 

This just in: a Jersey Hostess, four stewardesses and the Greyhound bus lady have also announced they sexed up Tiger Woods.

Cold-blooded on the links and in bed, Tiger is a frosted flake indeed.