April 27, 2009

Unfortunate Names; Part 2


The Yankees new stadium is a marvel, but considering their most prominent scoreboard sponsor is Pepsi, it's unfortunate for the soft drink company that millions of fans hear the word COKE on a daily basis.

That's right, the Yanks have inadvertently created in-show advertising for Pepsi's chief rival by including a new relief pitcher on their roster named Phil Coke.

Just wait until he mows down the Red Sox in order. The Daily News and New York Post will be replete with headlines such as "He's the Real Thing" and "Things Go Better with Coke".

A brush-back pitch will surely tempt announcers to declare that the pitcher has asked the hitter to "Take the Coke Challenge". An advertising nightmare.

Another scoreboard sponsor, AT&T, which boasts of internet security, can not be happy with new Yankee pitcher Steven Hacker. Maybe Hacker throws an out pitch called the Confikr Worm.

And in a city where the NYPD is regularly accused of improper arrest procedures, the Yankees cannot be pleased with the surname of infielder Juan Miranda. Stadium cops will surely behave themselves knowing the Yankees have their own Miranda Rights.

And finally, just to remind you that headline grabber Alex Rodriguez has held the team hostage for six years, the man replacing the injured Rodriguez, to whom the Yankees have paid half of a billion dollars, is named Cody Ransom.

RELATED POST: Worst name in baseball

April 24, 2009

Twins not from Minnesota

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I'm a huge NBA fan, but today I discovered for the first time that Joakim Noah and Adam Morrison are actually two different people.

These guys could both use a bottle of high volume shampoo and a trip to Supercuts. Each player also wears a pre-pubescent 'stache that cries for some lip rogaine.

On the topic of clones, someone needs to put movie villain Peter Stormare and the Cavaliers' Zydrunas Ilgauskas in the same room before I am convinced that THEY are not one and the same.

When Lebron doesn't pass enough to Ilgauskas, I almost expect Z to pull a 'Fargo' and shove James down a wood chopper.

And finally, after watching Disco Night on 'American Idol', I have come to the realization that the aging K.C. (of the Sunshine Band) bears a striking resemblance to the 'Hit King' himself, Pete Rose.

With their receding hairlines and expanding waist lines, Charlie Hustle and KC are now both fallen Idols indeed.

April 20, 2009

2009 MLB Preview Video

Can Sweet Lou lead the Cubbies to a title without blowing a gasket? Can C.C. Sabathia outduel Kobiyashi in a chow-down? Will some GM, for the love of God, pull off a trade for Jake Peavy?

These questions and more are answered by Jon Miller and Joe Morgan in my new animated video "Baseball with Jon and Joe".



I love Jon Miller. He has charisma, with a unique style that departs from cookie-cutter copycats.

He's upbeat and entertaining, and if you really want a laugh, check out Miller's impression of Vin Scully in Japanese. It is sheer brilliance.

As for his longtime sidekick, Joe Morgan, wake me from my nap. I find him slightly more bearable than Tim McCarver, which isn't saying a lot.

Morgan should consider golf, where the hushed monotone of announcers also lulls the viewer into a deep slumber.

Both Joe Morgan and Tim McCarver seem to think their analysis comes from the mountain. But listening to them stumble over their brain synapses is so maddening it drives you to hit MUTE.

April 17, 2009

The worst name in baseball


I can't think of a worse name for a pitcher with control issues than Tampa Ray reliever Grant Balfour.

Not Jimmy Balfour, but GRANT Balfour, which turns the name into a phrase.

It's like an Indian Chief; 'Allows Free Pass' or 'Permits Base On Balls'.

Grant Balfour.

Why not sign a slugger named Johnny Hitless and bring in a GM named Bobby Incompetent?

Shortstop Butterfingers McGee is still looking for a job.

And pinch hitter-extraordinaire Imina Slump is available for a pittance.

Maybe Balfour, who is Australian, can hire the agency that created the old Foster's Lager TV campaign.

That formula distracted consumers with images of sexy women, combined with some clever copy of Australian colloquialisms.

Think of it. Hot brunette, blond and redhead umps wearing bikinis and face masks flank a large scoreboard that reads: "Balfour. Australian for Strikeout".

April 3, 2009

Jake Peavy Watch 2009!


Jake Peavy this. Jake Peavy that. Jake Peavy watched 'I Love Lucy' and ate a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich.

News alert - the sandwich contained applewood-smoked bacon, and Peavy's wife loves barbeque, so count the Royals in the Peavy-hunt, as K.C. is known for great barbeque sauce.

It's almost that bad. At least 'Texiera Track 2008' was short and sweet, with a surprise ending. With Peayy, the speculation and rumors began during the Reagan administration. What a bore.

I'm more interested in where Nick Markakis will wind up in 2014 then the whereabouts of his Heiness Jake Peavy.

And, sorry, but Jake Peavy? The only name less macho than Peavy is the Angels super set-up man J.J. Putz.

While Peavy did excel in this spring's World Baseball Classic, and had his moments in San Diego, let's remember he plays in the National League West.

This is a division that limps to the finish line, where teams seem to want to win the pennant as much as they want to touch a hot stove.

What happens when Peavy has to face the Yankees, Rays, and Sox in consecutive starts with Big Papi at DH instead of a pitcher in the nine-spot?

I'll tell you what happens - Jake Peavy becomes Javier Vazquez.

This just in! Jake Peavy is sitting on a hammock, reading Newsweek. Jake Peavy! Jake Peavy! Jake Peavy!