February 26, 2009

Kenny Fuckin' Powers cracks me up

HBO's new under-publicized series, Eastbound & Down, is absolutely hilarious and a must-see, sports fans.

The first two episodes have me hooked, and watching hero Kenny Powers work the dance floor on ecstasy to 'A Fifth of Beethoven' made me fall of the couch.

Danny McBride, whose credits include 'Tropic Thunder' and 'Pineapple Express', plays Powers, a foul-mouthed, washed-up MLB pitcher.

Powers, who is shown in the opening credits throwing a camera to the ground in a fit of Kenny Rogers-like rage, gets a second chance as a substitute teacher at an elementary school.

Despite his poor reputation and average looks, Powers carries himself like he's a saint.  Known as The Golden Dick, Powers somehow romances a sultry schoolteacher from his past and always manages to get in trouble.

Surrounded by a great cast that includes Steve Little as 'Stevie' and the hilarious Andrew Daly, I encourage you to watch this bizarre black comedy. I am delighted that HBO chose to run with this show. It's not for everyone, but I like it a shit ton, as Kenny would say.

February 20, 2009

Bud Out

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig recently declared that New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has shamed the game of baseball. Bullroar!

The only shame in the game is the mound of dandruff that always collects on Selig's cheap blue blazer. That and the frightening mask of grotesque confusion that he wears on his face at every press conference or game.

He looks like a C-grade CPA on decaf.

A-Rod may be a naive, narcissistic, choker, but he was outed by his union in what was supposed to be a private test.

Is that stupid? Yes. Why shouldn't the public know? The baseball union had its way on those particular tests in not making results known.

But Bonds and Giambi lied to a Grand Jury. Where was Selig's "shame" speech for them? A Rod only fibbed for Katie Couric.

And unlike a co-operative Rodriguez, Bonds always treated the media like pigs.

I'm assuming someone with a grudge was paid off. This one just smells funny to me. Who are the other 103? Not fair to single A-Rod out.

This whole thing is really a mess now. Tejada, Clemens, Petitte, Rodriguez, Bonds.

But stoning the players in front of the media feels old now. It is time for some trainers, some brave GMs, some managers and some Union Reps to take the fall here.

A thirst for the long ball after the strike made owners turn a blind eye to rampant PED use in the clubhouse - supplied by all sorts of "trainers" that are no longer permitted.

Let's hear the whole story. At this point, forcing apologies from players feels like a case of "Don't Blame The Messenger".

February 19, 2009


Choo-Choo. Mookie. Dizzy.

Daffy Dean. Duffy Dyer.

Baseball's nicknames are poetic. Sluggers have authoritative ones like 'Sultan of Swat' or 'Hammerin Hank'. And smaller infielders bear more diminutive nicknames like Pokey and Pee Wee.

Some are based on appearance, some on reputation. And unless you already have a nickname, players and coaches will find a way to give you one. I've noticed placing an "o" or "ie" at the end of the first syllable of the last name is the last resort.

So if I wasn't known as Pedro, Handelman would become Hando or Handie. At least in Tito Francona's world.

Besides, it would just sound awkward listening to a skipper praise the skills of a player named William or Charles. Turk or Daddy Long Legs slide off the tongue real pretty-like instead.

I hereby propose a few nicknames for the upcoming season. Bud Selig; Dopey. Alex Rodriguez; Doper. Manny Ramirez; Moper.

February 10, 2009

Will Manny Boras to death?

It's fascinating to see malcontent baseball superstars languish unsigned this winter, as the new economy trickles down to sports.

Manny Ramirez's agent, Scott Boras, is a notorious negotiator with dubious methods. He likes his players to sign for the most money offered. But in baseball's new fickle economy, Boras overestimated the market and may have lost Manny forty-five million dollars when all is said and done.

Ramirez needs a more kick-back and likable agent who can close the deal. How about L'Montro? The affable, popular baseball barber known for his inventive fades and braids. Monty Hall, anyone? Can I get a Lew Wasserman?

For fifteen years, Ramirez took heat, but escaped excessive criticism because of his hitting prowess and personality. But Manny's transgressions are finally coming back to haunt him. It's too risky to invest long-term in a thirty-seven year old malcontent with questionable base-running and defensive skills.

But The Dodgers want Manny back and continue to make offers despite two contract rejections. Will Manny re-sign with L.A.?

He energized a young Dodger team, the fans of Los Angeles, and lifted a team going south to the Championship Series. His Dominican roots and eccentric personality make for a perfect fit in L.A.

So what's the hold up? Time will tell...