May 8, 2009

Candy Bars of the Stars


In baseball, candy bars are usually named after sluggers. 'Baby Ruth', 'Oh Henry!', and the 'Reggie Bar' were named after Babe Ruth, Henry Aaron, and Reggie Jackson, respectively.

The chocolate nougat 'Baby Ruth', round and stout, resembles the lumpy figure of the portly Babe.

The subtle sophistication of the 'Oh! Henry' wrapper, with a conservative typeface, is appropriate for the reserved, distinguished Home Run King (Sorry, Barry).

And looking at the orange 'Reggie Bar' wrapper, loud and powerful, it brings back memories of the brash Mr. October himself.

I will propose a few baseball candy bars of my own, potential products for modern stars.

1) The Milton Bradley Bar. This bar would be totally NUTS, just like the personality of the temperamental journeyman. Both are dependable, but brittle. And both are prone to cause outbreaks. Not good from a candy bar or an outfielder.

2) Joba's Jawbreakers. Kevin Youkilis could chew a few of these and forgo the wild arm of the husky Nebraskan. If you're going to risk a jaw injury, you might as well enjoy the sweet, tart flavor of the experience while you're at it.

3) W&W's. Last year, no pitcher issued more walks than New York Met Oliver Perez. All M&M Mars needs to do is invert the M&M graphics. Unfortunately, this year Perez is having a meltdown, which is a bad thing for a pitcher or chocolate candy.

And if Alex Rodriguez loses sponsors over new steroid allegations, he could easily endorse 'Whoppers' - both are tough on the outside, soft on the inside.

In a world of punk'd pranks and aggro advertising, these candy bars would fly off the shelves. If you'll excuse me, I need to go file a patent.

READ: Candy Bars of The Stars Part 2

1 comment:

Billy Vasquez said...

How about "Manny Licorice" candy hair braids!