A few weeks ago I discussed baseball player candy bars. Time to take a look at a few more sweets named after athletes. These are real candy bars I found online.
Let's start with the Chipper Jones bar, which leaves many questions unanswered. Why the rip-off of the 3 Musketeers graphics? That larceny, along with the photoshop nightmare on Chipper's cap are immediate tip-offs that something has gone horribly wrong here.
And why didn't Chipper endorse a potato chip, or a wood chipper? If it had to be a candy bar, then surely this bar would have lots of chocolate CHIPS, right?
Uh, no. The wrapper says 'milk chocolate and crisped rice'. Now that, my friends, sounds like a candy bar for Tiger Woods. Sorry, I had to say it.
Dale Earnhardt Jr's Big Mo bar looks like a laxative. I'd eat it only if it were the last candy bar on earth.
Does it cause a Big (bowel) MOvement? I don't get it. What the fuck is a 'Big Mo'?
The wrapper promises caramel. But in the photo there is no evidence of any caramel in those flaky relics they call chocolate.
Big Mo. Yeah, Dale Earnhardt is a Big Moron.
The Mark Price Bar. Is there any athlete more boring and less deserving of a candy bar than Mark Price? I mean, seriously. What's next? The Chris Dudley bar? Flip Saunders cologne?
But surely the wrapper shows Price at his best, nailing a free throw, or making a spectacular pass?
No. It's Price and his helmet hair, holding the ball in a confused haze. He's wondering why one of his team-mates didn't get a bar named after them instead. Honestly, they would have tripled their sales with the Brad Ehlo bar.
The real head scratcher is why no candy bar was ever named after veteran point guard Jason Williams. Williams, who has unusual style for a white guy, is widely known as 'White Chocolate'.
A candy bar match made in heaven. But the tattooed, turnover-prone White Chocolate gave teams headaches like a bad root canal. Which shows that even if your passes are sweet, turnovers can cause a cavity in the offense.
The most galling detail about all of these candy bars? The dollar price tag on the Chipper Bar. Even tried and true candy bars still cost under a buck. But Chipper Jones, who makes 14 million annually through 2011, somehow has to charge more.
After all is said and done, no-one can hold a candle to old standby Bazooka Joe. He's the only candy found in every team's clubhouse and dugout, and he gets blown multiple times every game. That explains his crooked ball cap and salivating smile.