The opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics in Beijing was a visually stunning achievement. That said, many aspects of the presentation confused me.
The night started out with a melodramatic pizza-dough making demonstration, as hundreds of young men holding glow sticks banged on electronic cutting boards in unison.
After a brief fireworks display, members of Cirque de Soleil appeared and floated about the Bird's Nest with small flashlights fixed on their faces.
At that point, a few dozen elegantly dressed small children (stand-ins from 'The Lost Emperor') carried a flag that was violently snatched from them by high-stepping members of the Gestapo.
Then, a gigantic rain tarp magically appeared, the kind used at baseball games. It slowly rolled open from both ends, like a scroll. But this was no ordinary rain tarp. It operated without the use of human hands and contained a massive high-definition screen. Why it showed images of ancient landscapes instead of highlights of Kobe feeeding Bron-Bron for tomahawk dunks is beyond me.
Next, in an ode to Etch-a-Sketch, a set of ninjas clad in black began body-painting, using gloves lined with large ink pads. Their work was barely better than that of famed body-painter Farrah Fawcett.
After a breathtaking, Mummenshanz-like display of undulating, oversized typewriter keys, a child was shown taking a magic carpet ride. I kept looking at the center of the arena and wishing it was I who owned the largest PSP on earth. PlayStation Portable is what they were using, correct?
At this point, the show really pushed the envelope, as a set of loudly-dressed drag queens paraded about the stadium. Then the Chinese Liberace sang, complete with styled pompadour.
After an amazing display of scampering humans wearing Christmas lights, the obligatory adorable, flying child appeared! This has seemingly been an "awww" staple since Montreal in '76.
Leave it to President Bush, who, during his first cutaway, managed to look down and check his watch.
I'm used to seeing really old people do Tai Chi in the park, but the next act had young women dessed as chefs executing Bruce Lee-like maneuvers.
Then, the grand finale - hundreds of people dancing in unison, an obvious ode to the Phillipine prison renditions of 'Thriller' so popular on YouTube.
But just as I was enjoying this spectacle, huge images of children inexplicably appeared on the electronic scoreboard at the top of the Bird's Nest. I thought it was an Amber Alert, but I soon realized they were stock images from Corbis, just a cute touch by the night's choreographer, McG.
A tremendous open. Athough I would characterize it as a sophisticated version of "The Wave" meets football fans making shapes over their heads with hand-held signs.
It was followed by an endless parade of the Olympic participants. Or, what I like to call 'The March of The Airline Attendants and Fast-Food Vendors'. This is an exhilirating display of textiles so extensive, it makes NBC's show on sister-station Bravo, 'Project Runway', look meek by comparison.
Certain countries forgot their ethnic garb and had to resort to donning the uniforms of Best Buy, Taco Bell and Circuit City. Either that or Chinos and a Polo are now universal.
On a closing note, I felt the tone of announcers Bob Costas and Matt Lauer was too casual. It felt jokey and inappropriate. Their sarcasm and pace was no different from the cotton candy patter of a Macy's Thanksgiving parade.
Hosting a worldwide event rife with political implications, the duo treated the night like they were announcing the height and weight of Donald Duck and Garfield baloons.
NBC may want us to believe that Beijing is all about a coming out party for China, but round-the-clock commercials, embedded corporate sponsors and increasingly diminutive fetish "uniforms" remind us its really all about T & A & $$$.
